


supernova

by thisismk



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, HYUNSUNG, Han Jisung | Han & Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inspired by Music, Jisung has a pet lizard, M/M, Minor Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Partying, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, felix is the hype man of your dreams, how slow can i make this burn, side minchan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24896371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisismk/pseuds/thisismk
Summary: “Does that make me a bad person?” Jisung asked, a little afraid of the answer. When he finally looked up, Hyunjin's eyes were unreadable.“I don’t think so,” he finally said. “I don’t think you have the ability to be anything but good.”Jisung sighed, a strange feeling in his stomach. “I don’t know what she sees in me sometimes,” he admitted.There was a pause, like his friend didn't quite know how to respond. Hyunjin seemed to be battling with something within himself when he finally leaned over, pushing a piece of hair behind his ear. Then, quiet as a whisper, “I do.”✩ ✩ ✩At only 21, Jisung seems to have it all figured out. He's known on campus for having stellar grades, amazing friends, and the perfect girlfriend, and it's all thanks to his carefully curated life plan. So far, everything is going exactly as he planned...Or, the one where Jisung falls in love, but not with his girlfriend.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 158
Kudos: 676
Collections: favorites ♥, you want to re-read these for your soul





	1. according to plan

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends, and welcome to my next fic! 
> 
> as usual, music was a huge inspiration for me. the playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6yKqxhdVdD6IZWSl1l93fy?si=KGRpsdniQ4KGb-yvAOeeug), and the visuals for the fic can be found [here](https://twitter.com/this_is_mk_/status/1275828852737138690?s=20) !
> 
> & if you'd like to help contribute to my caffeine-fueled writing sessions, you can do so [here ♥](https://ko-fi.com/thisismk)  
> happy reading! :)

**September 10th**

Jisung stretched his arms toward the sky, cracking his neck and trying to stay awake in his only Friday lecture of the semester. As a junior in college, it wasn’t his first time taking a class with Dr. Song- the history department was comically small, so he was bound to have some repeat professors within his major. As much as he liked the older man, the class itself was earlier than Jisung would’ve liked at 10AM, and he was already thinking about what he would be having for lunch. 

He reached down as Dr. Song changed the slide, rummaging around in his bag until he got a grip on his phone. As expected, he had a few texts in his group chat- Felix was yelling about the new dog cafe that had opened up a few miles from campus, and Chan was insisting that they go to Kim’s Place for lunch, the diner next to the art building that had just completed a much-needed renovation. Changbin was silent, presumably still asleep since he didn’t have classes until the afternoon. As he started to text his opinion on lunch plans, his phone pinged again.

_ Ellie [10:27 am]: Hey babe, did I leave my laptop in your room last night? _

Jisung snorted, having expected this text all morning- it was almost like clockwork at that point. He double checked his bag, then responded.

_ Jisung [10:28am]: Yeah, I’ve got it with me.  _

_ Jisung [10:28am]: You’re lucky I didn’t let Cera turn it into her new warming station. _

_ Ellie [10:29 am]: OMG no _

_ Ellie [10:29 am]: You know I love you... _

_ Ellie [10:29 am]: but miss slimey is a hard pass _

Jisung rolled his eyes. He doubted his pet leopard gecko would be interested in Ellie’s beaten up old laptop, but he couldn’t miss a chance to poke fun at her poorly-hidden distaste for his scaled child. 

_ Jisung [10:29am]:My class gets out at 11, want to meet me in front of the history building?  _

_ Ellie [10:30 am]: YES  _

_ Ellie [10:30 am]: you are the best best best <3  _

_ Ellie [10:30 am]: I am unworthy  _

_ Jisung [10:31am]: You’re lucky you’re cute! _

_ Jisung [10:31am]: See you then :) _

He smiled at the text, pocketing his phone as he tried to catch the rest of the lecture. In the four months he and Ellie had been dating she often left things behind in his room- at first he thought it was a subtle ploy to get to see him more often, but over time it became clear that she really was just  _ that _ forgetful. He started getting into the habit of scanning his room when he packed his bag for the day, looking out for anything she could have left. It was common to see her, a shock of bright red hair, sprinting across campus to pick up a notebook or a phone charger, giving Jisung a quick kiss before booking it to her next class. His friends teased her that one day she would lose Jisung, if she didn’t fit so nicely in his life plan. 

“The Great Plan!”, as his friends jokingly would yell, was a comprehensive list, a twenty-year plan for his life that he had started in middle school. His teacher reminded him that the assignment was just supposed to be a list of some academic goals, but he figured if he was going to plan, he would plan properly. He would go on to be heavily involved in high school, creating a resume that got him into his first choice college. 

Now, his third year in university found him with a near perfect GPA and a carefully structured schedule. He was in the history club, two honor societies, and volunteered every two weeks with the undergraduate research lab on campus. At least once a month he attended a study group for whatever class he was “struggling” with that semester (although others would hardly call an A minus struggling). He didn’t really need to be so plugged in, but he knew it was that a “good student” would do. All a part of the plan. 

On paper, Ellie was the perfect partner for him. His parents liked her more than the last two people he dated- his high school girlfriend who was sweet, but had terrible grades, and a girl freshman year who liked to party. Ellie was everything his parents wanted for him- just as involved with extracurriculars, grades just as high. His life was a carefully curated plan that had goals and deadlines, and Ellie was a safe choice for a partner- predictable even down to her forgetfulness. 

They had started dating right before the college broke for the summer, so most of their relationship had played out through social media and video chats. Jisung was surprised to find that this worked well for him- sometimes there was a certain awkwardness in person, he found, and if he could avoid that he was all in. Regardless, Ellie had settled into his life easily.

A small  _ ping! _ from his phone alerted him to another text; Changbin had finally woken up, and was backing Chan’s food choice. Jisung held in a fist pump until class let out- he had  _ really _ been craving diner food lately. 

By the time he made his way across campus toward Kim’s Place, his friends were already settled and waving at him from a corner booth. Changbin and Felix were playfully fighting over a single menu, ignoring Chan as he tried to give them a second copy. He rolled his eyes as Jisung finally walked up to the table. 

“Hey, guys,” Jisung said, scooting into the booth with Felix. “Have you ordered yet?”

“Nah, we waited for you,” Changbin said, finally relenting his grip on the menu. “Is El coming?”

“No, she’s got film theory until two.” he said. His friend nodded, spreading out to take up the extra space they had left for her. 

The one thing about Ellie being a film major was that they watched a  _ lot _ of movies. It slowly became their tradition over the first month back in school- every Tuesday night they would meet up at Jisung and Changbin’s apartment and watch whatever movie was on her mind that week. From the biggest action blockbuster to the most obscure, indie horror film, they watched them all. Jisung found himself drawn to the historical dramas and dark comedies, but Ellie had a soft spot for romance. He didn’t mind watching them, but they all seemed the same to him- boy meets girl, the fall in love, happily ever after. Jisung couldn’t help but be a little bored by the repetition. Not that the movies weren’t sweet, but they just didn’t seem  _ realistic _ to him. 

The first time Ellie said she loved him was three months into dating- one of the rare times they met up over the break, eating snow cones to try and fight the sticky summer heat. She had pushed the hair out of his eyes, kissed him on the cheek, and shyly whispered the words to him. He said it back without even thinking, the words a little clunky in his mouth, but she had smiled so wide that it seemed like the right decision. He loved making his friends happy. 

When he had come home that night and told Changbin what had happened, his roommate had cheered for him, but Jisung couldn’t bring himself to feel the same elation. The truth was, in some of the quieter moments when Ellie would fall asleep on his chest, he would look down at her and wait for a different type of feeling to hit him. He loved her, definitely, but it was the same way he loved all of his friends. Exactly the same. 

On those nights, there was an insatiable itch to get out of his skin- to shed himself of pressures and constraints of being  _ him _ . Whenever those feelings rolled over him, like waves, he would pull out his battered old notebook where, so many years ago, he had written down his plan.  _ Marry a girl Mom and Dad like _ , written in slanted blue ink. It came right after  _ graduation from college (summa cum laude) _ , but before  _ graduate school (w/ teaching internship) _ . 

Sometimes he would let his mind wander to his first dream, tucked so far inside in heart that he barely even registered it as something he had ever really wanted. As a kid he had visited a local museum and was awestruck. History, come to life right in front of him. He toyed with the thought of getting his master’s in history, of spending his days in a museum educating visitors about the past and how it was connected to their futures, of creating collections that would inspire another young kid just like him. 

Of course, his parents had rolled their eyes at this initial plan. They shook their heads and turned their son toward something different. “You should get a degree in teaching, Jisung-ah,” they insisted. “You’d still get to enjoy history, but it’s a much more stable job. Better safe than sorry.” 

Better safe than sorry. It echoed in his head for years, and so here he was three years into college, on track to join a MAT program after he finished undergrad. It was the only edit in his plan from long ago, a heavily slanted “museum!” scratched out ferociously. “Teach high school history” replaced it, written in neat block letters.

“Focus!” Felix tapped on the table, getting Jisung’s attention. He leaned forward and propped his elbows on the table. “Important business on the docket today.” he said with a mischievous grin. 

“Are we finally admitting that Changbin-hyung is the real baby of the group?” Jisung asked. 

“ _ No _ ,” Changbin groaned. Jisung laughed at him, pinching his cheek and cooing at the older boy. He pretended to hate it, but the slight grin on his face gave him away. 

“Actually,” Chan said. “I want to introduce you to my boyfriend,” 

Jisung released his hands from Changbin’s face, leaning back. “The super secret summer boy?” he said. “We have been deemed worthy?”

“I invited him over to Felix & I’s place for game night,” Chan continued, ignoring him. “He’s going to bring his roommate so he’s not too overwhelmed by the insanity of this friend group. Please don’t scare him away tonight.” 

“Ohh, this is one you’re serious about?” Jisung teased. “I thought the day would never come!”

Changbin burst into giggles, but Chan just rolled his eyes. It was an easy shot, considering his history. Felix would often joke about a different girl or guy coming through their apartment every month- it had gotten to the point where they started taking bets on how long he would stay with his current interest. Eventually he had stopped introducing them to the group completely, so when he had mentioned a boy he’d met at his community pool that summer, none of them really expected to ever put a face to the stories. If he had invited this guy to their weekly game night, it must be serious. 

“Shut up,” Chan said “His name is Minho, and I want you to be  _ nice _ .”

“Me? Not being nice?” Jisung gasped. “I’m the nicest person you know!” 

Changbin snorted at that, but Jisung continued to look indignant. Their waiter came by and, after ordering what felt like half of the menu, they fell into their usual chatter. Felix and Jisung started making a tower out of the small packets of jam that were in a basket on the table, Changbin trying to subtly blow the tower over when they weren’t looking. Ellie texted their group chat a few memes to make up for her absence. 

As they were digging into their pancakes, Chan set his fork down. Jisung could tell he was focused, because he was frowning in that way that made his dimple even more prominent. 

“Look,” he said.“I actually really like him and I want him to like all of you, too. Just be yourselves!”

Felix sneezed, then, sending the tower of jam packets flying into Chan’s lap. 

“Well,” the older boy sighed. “Maybe be a more composed version of yourselves.”

He turned to look at Jisung, who had half of a chicken sausage hanging out of his mouth. “Tell Ellie to come, too,” he said. “She’s the most normal one in their friend group, maybe she can balance us out with some sanity.”

“I don’t know,” Jisung said with a laugh. “Last week she forgot her pants at my apartment. Like, she literally just walked into the hallway without pants on. I’ve never heard her knock so loud in my life.”

“Well, tell her to bring an extra pair of pants just in case,” Chan said with a laugh. “But she’s always welcome.”

“My freckled queen,” Felix insisted. “I love her.”

“Me too,” Jisung said. It sounded a little hollow even to his own ears, and Felix raised an eyebrow at him, but the rest of his friends graciously pretended not to notice. 

**✩ ✩ ✩**

That night the group met up at the Aussies apartment, Felix’s outrageously expensive gaming station ready to be hooked up to the television with an HDMI cord if they got bored with their initial Xbox games. Chan and Felix were speaking in rapid English while Changbin and Jisung engaged in a heated round of Mario Kart when there was a gentle knocking at the door. Changbin ran himself off the road at the sound, causing Jisung to erupt into a hearty belly-laugh.

Chan hopped up from his spot on the couch, pulling the handle open to reveal two young men standing in the doorway. The one closest to the door had bright, feline eyes and delicate features, while the boy behind him was taller, a grey beanie pulled over his head. 

“Hey, you made it,” Chan said, giving the closer one a hug. 

“And we brought snacks!” the boy announced, stepping back from the hug to reveal that each of them were carrying bags full of chips and sweets. 

“We love you already!” Felix yelled, making grabby hands at the treats. 

Jisung shoved Changbin as the older boy tried to come back from his earlier stumble with a well-timed blue shell. As he finally set down his controller in defeat, Jisung turned his attention to the two new faces in the room. He pointed to the pretty boy holding hands with Chan. 

“Oh my god, Chan-hyung,” Jisung yelled. “He is  _ so _ out of your league!” 

“Okay,” Minho laughed. “He’s my favorite.” 

“Don’t get your hopes up, Min,” Chan said, walking over to clasp Jisung on the back. “Jisung is taken by the campus queen.” 

“Tragic.” The taller boy said, taking off his shoes. 

Changbin laughed, setting his controller down as Felix leaned into his side. “Don’t worry,” Felix said. “His girlfriend Ellie is cool enough to make up for it. She’ll probably drop by later on.” 

Jisung rolled his eyes, but was smiling as the two new boys made their way into the living room. Minho sat down on the couch next to Chan, and the taller boy settled into one of the armchairs. 

“This is Hyunjin,” Minho said. “He’s my roommate, and possibly the most dramatic person on the planet.”

“How can you say that,” Felix asked, gasping in faux shock. “When an entire Jisung exists?”

“Why are we bullying me today?” Jisung pouted. The boy called Hyunjin laughed at that, his eyes turning into crescents. 

They all settled into spots in the living room, played a few rounds of Call of Duty to warm up. Felix absolutely obliterated each of them in turn, but nobody seemed to mind. Jisung noticed that Hyunjin had an endearing laugh, the kind that bounced off the walls. Minho and Chan seemed to compliment each other well, and before they knew it two hours had passed easily. 

As the rest of the group cheered on Felix’s rematch with Chan (who was losing admirably), Jisung let his attention roam to the new additions to their friend group. Minho was ridiculously good looking, of course, but he found his eyes drawn to the boy with the beanie. Under the fabric he had dark hair, thick and full, that fell almost to his shoulders. He was wearing a unique graphic sweatshirt that Jisung had seen at a boutique downtown last weekend, (he hadn’t bought it, because he was fairly certain he couldn’t pull off himself), and it looked like it was practically designed for his shoulders. With a sparkling earring dangling from his ear and a bright smile, Jisung couldn’t help but think that Hyunjin could probably be a model if the whole college thing didn’t work out. 

The world was  _ unfair _ .

“How long have you guys been friends?” Felix asked, leaning back from his latest gaming victory. Changbin ripped open another one of the bags of chips. 

“Well, we’re both dancers,” Hyunjin offered. “We met at a studio about two years ago- my old roommate graduated early and I needed someone to move in quickly, and Minho was too insufferable for anyone else to take him.”

“I have  _ many _ friends,” Minho countered. “Jeongin and Seungmin have even said that I’m the cleaner of the two of us.”

“Those are our other friends,” Hyunjin said. “Well, they’re technically our neighbors, too. We met them the week we moved into our complex.”

“Imagine, it’s two days after I moved in,” Minho said, gesturing dramatically. “There was just an  _ insane _ amount of banging coming from the floor above us. Hyunjin was trying to study for a stats exam and couldn’t focus because of the racket, and he was, like, crying-”

“I was not crying,” Hyunjin interjected, tossing a few chips in his mouth. 

“He was  _ near _ tears,” Minho continued, unphased. “So after a few more minutes of the slamming sound, I got pissed and grabbed Hyunjin and we marched upstairs. This young guy with braces and huge eyes opened the door, and he was so damn precious I didn’t have the heart to yell at him.”

“Jeongin has that effect on people,” Hyunjin explained. 

“Turns out there was a spider in the apartment,” Minho said. “And Seungmin had been trying to kill it by throwing a freaking  _ boot _ at it, but it kept moving a few inches and he missed every time. Jeongin convinced us to come in and get rid of the bug for them, and we all got to talking and just kind of became close.” 

“They’re definitely the more studious of our friends,” Hyunjin said. “But I promise we’ll drag them out of hiding, soon.”

“Good,” Chan said. “The more the merrier.”

As they moved to a new round of gaming, Jisung found that Hyunjin was indeed on his level of dramatic. After losing three rounds of Mario Cart in a row, he collapsed onto the couch with his arm draped over his head. “Leave me behind, Jisung,” he insisted. “I will only slow you down.”

Jisung laughed, pulling him onto the floor next to him. They dug into the snacks as the others argued over the morality of using blue shells in the last lap, easily falling into conversation. Although they had only known each other for a few hours, he felt alarmingly comfortable around the older boy. As they talked about their majors (“ _ I want to be a counselor, maybe for high school students, _ ” Hyunjin admitted. “ _ A big part of being a psychology major is just being able to read people, and I’m pretty good at that. _ ”) they tried to see how many chips they could fit into their cheeks. 

“You have an unfair advantage,” Hyunjin groaned. “Your cheeks are so big, there’s more storage room!”

“It’s not cheating!” Jisung laughed. “It’s not my fault I have fat cheeks.”

“They’re not fat, they’re cute,” Hyunjin said. “And they’re  _ absolutely _ an advantage.”

Jisung rolled his eyes, adding another chip to his mouth as he tried to ignore the weird feeling in his stomach. Hyunjin giggled at him, poking one of his cheeks with his fingertip gently. Jisung wondered if he had eaten too many sweets over the course of the night, his head a little dizzy, but then Minho interrupted his thoughts.

“Thanks for having us over Channie,” he said. He laced his fingers with his boyfriend, leaning back into the couch comfortably. “Next time Hyunjin and I can host.”

“Definitely,” Hyunjin said. “That would be fun!” 

“Where do you guys live?” Felix asked.

“We have an apartment in midtown not too far from here, just south of campus. ” Hyunjin said. “It’s mostly other college students, a huge brick building. It’s got this big tree in front of the building that almost completely covers the window, even though we live on the third floor. In the morning, the birds  _ never _ shut up.”

“We’ve got it better than our friends, though,” Minho offered. “Jeongin and Seungmin live in the unit above us, and there’s a family of squirrels that live in a nest on the branch in front of their window. Apparently, they like to get frisky.”

“Exhibitionist squirrels?” Changbin asked. 

“Sounds like Jisung,” Felix said. 

“The disrespect I face daily is  _ unparalleled _ ,” Jisung yelled dramatically. When everyone laughed, he continued, “I’m hardly an exhibitionist.” 

“And yet,” Changbin countered. “I distinctly remember walking in on you and the blonde from freshman year.”

“That’s completely on you,” Jisung laughed. “We put a mitten on the door. And we were just, like, cuddling.”

“It’s supposed to be a sock, Jisung,” Chan sighed. “A  _ sock _ . Everyone knows that.” 

“And the fact that it was just cuddling was somehow even grosser.” Changbin said. 

Jisung shrugged, unbothered. He grabbed one of the controllers, challenging Minho to a one-on-one as Changbin and Felix peppered Hyunjin with questions about Chan’s new beau. As he was about to land a particularly good shot, Jisung’s attention was pulled to the corner of the room. Hyunjin had escaped the inquisition and was standing by Chan’s bookcase, quietly reading over the titles. He reached out to one book, smushed into the back of the pile, and quickly slipped it into his bag. He made eye contact with Jisung and winked, putting a finger to his lips, encouraging him to keep quiet. 

“Got you!” Minho yelled. Jisung leaned back into the couch, his character dead from a headshot. 

“You’re lucky I was distracted, Minho-hyung,” he insisted. “Or I would have wrecked you.”

“A likely story,” Minho said, laughing. “Who’s my next victim?”

Changbin volunteered then, and swiftly beat Minho with a sneak attack. By the time it was nearing midnight, Felix had beaten them all at both FIFA  _ and _ Mario Party. Chan and Minho were now battling it out, Link vs. Kirby ( _ “I’m a firm believer that the cuter the character, the better the fighter!” _ Minho had insisted). After showing Hyunjin no less than fifteen photos of his pet leopard gecko, Jisung found some grapes in Felix and Chan’s fridge for them to snack on. He and Hyunjin laid on the floor, trying to toss grapes in the air and catch them in their mouths. 

“I saw you grab that book earlier,” Jisung said, looking for patterns in the ceiling. 

“Shh!” Hyunjin giggled, pulling the top of the book out so that Jisung could see the title-  _ The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck _ . Jisung snorted, remembering how Chan had a huge self-help kick in his sophomore year. The book was yellowing at the side, very clearly forgotten on his bookshelf. 

“Can I tell Cera?” Jisung poked him in the side. He threw another grape into the air, catching it in his mouth just before it hit the ground. “She can keep a secret.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin giggled. “As long as she doesn’t tell any of her lizard friends. Just trust me.”

He wasn’t sure why, but he did trust him. Something about the way Hyunjin’s shoulders hiked up to his ears when he laughed made Jisung want to know more about him- where was he from, did he know how to shotgun a beer, why did he take that book? He hoped he would get to find out all of the answers. 

After nearly choking on a particularly large grape, they decided to abandon their mission. Sitting back against the couch, Jisung burst into laughter at Hyunjin’s bangs- they were sticking up straight, static from the carpet making him look as though he had stuck his finger in a socket.

“Oh my god,” Jisung said. “Your hair is insane,” 

“Such a way with words,” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “You flatter me.”

Jisung laughed again as Hyunjin hopped to his feet, rubbing his socks across the carpet in an attempt to generate more static. He crouched down, then, and his face split into a mischievous smile. He presented his hand to Jisung, who reached out his own. The moment their fingertips touched, a small spark flashed. 

“Shocked you!” Hyunjin said, expression playful. “Did it hurt?”

“Nope,” Jisung laughed. “Not at all.” 

Hyunjin leaned forward to say something, then, and Jisung was overwhelmed by the smell of a bright cologne on his neck. Something about the scent - a mix of lavender and sandalwood, maybe some notes of iris?- made him feel a little bit dizzy. This close, he noticed that Hyunjin had a small mole under his eye, like a small star floating in the milky sky of his skin. 

His head was swimming- maybe he really was getting sick? It wasn’t possible to overdose on snacks, right? He tried to think back to his introduction to chemistry class, if there was a possibility he had ingested a poison found only in cheap supermarket grapes, when Hyunjin pulled him from his panic by jumping into a story. He described a time in high school when he tried desperately to use a static-shock to light a birthday candle, and Jisung was doubled over in laughter by the time a gentle knock spilled into the room.

“Hello?” a soft voice said. 

Jisung whipped around to find his girlfriend standing in the doorway, her bag slung over her shoulder. When he looked down to his phone, he saw he had missed her calls. She gave him a small wave as she closed the door, dropping her tote to the ground as she walked over to give Felix a hug. She gave Changbin a small pinch in the side, and he pretended to push her away as he laughed. 

“You must be the girlfriend!” Minho said. “Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Moon Ellie,” she said, offering a small bow. “Nice to meet you!”

“That’s a unique name!” Minho said. 

“My mother is Irish” she explained. “My dad wanted a more traditional name, but my mum said that since I would get his family name, she should be the one to pick my first name. Clearly, she won.”

“It’s a really pretty name,” Hyunjin offered.

Ellie blushed, but smiled at the compliment. “Sorry to crash the party so late,” she said brightly. “I’m working on this class project and my partner can only meet in the evenings. My social life has been suffering.”

“Your social life has been suffering ever since you started dating Jisung,” Felix said. 

Ellie laughed, saying, “Are we in bullying Jisung hours?”

“Always!” Changbin insisted. 

Ellie rolled her eyes, walking over to Jisung and planting a kiss on his cheek. “Want me to fight them?” she stage-whispered. 

“I don’t think it’d be a fair fight,” Jisung shrugged. “Child abuse is frowned upon, and Changbin’s the size of a kid.”

Changbin stuck his tongue out at him as they all erupted into laughter, and Ellie made herself comfortable on the floor next to Jisung. Hyunjin shifted back a bit, leaving more room between them. That made him feel a little sad, for some reason that he couldn’t understand. Regardless, conversation flowed easily and Ellie quickly made friends with the two new additions to the friend group. 

As she and Jisung rose to leave, she gave Chan a quick hug. “I like this one,” she whispered to him, giving him a squeeze. “Let’s keep him.”

Chan laughed. “I plan on it.”

Ellie winked at him, pulling Jisung up off of the floor- when she took his hand he felt a sharp sting. 

“Ouch,” she said. “You shocked me, babe.”

“Sorry,” Jisung said. He rubbed the side of his hand, where the static had hit him. Somehow, the spark had stung him that time.

✩ ✩ ✩


	2. falling into blue

**October 3rd**

“It’s your turn.” Minho insisted. 

Hyunjin groaned from his spot on the couch, two quilts thrown on top of him. His class notes were sprawled across the room, a psych textbook haphazardly open on the coffee table. “But I’m so comfortable, hyung,” he whined. “Can’t you do the groceries this week?”

“I went last week,” he countered. “And the week before that.”

Hyunjin groaned, shifting in his nest of blankets until all that could be seen were his eyes. “But I’m studying,” he insisted. 

“Yeah, you look like you’re getting a lot done,” Minho laughed. “Don’t forget to bring me back some sweet potatoes, I want to make fries.”

“Fine,” Hyunjin groaned. “You’re lucky I love you.”

Minho lept on top of the blanket pile to pinch his cheeks, and that finally got Hyunjin moving. He swatted his hands away, emerging from his nest with a grumble. He pulled on his coat, pout evident on his face, but Minho just rolled his eyes and tossed him a few reusable bags on his way out the door. 

The store was just around the corner from his complex, so he figured he could go in, get the groceries, and get back in time for an afternoon nap before he had to finish his essay. It was due at midnight, so he needed to start by, say, seven? As he was doing the math in his head, the volume in his earbuds grew quieter, and he realized with a start that his phone had died. Now he couldn’t even listen to his perfectly curated playlist of podcast episodes? The day was getting worse and worse. 

He entered the store with the reusable totes slung over his shoulder, trying to rack his brain to remember everything that had been on the list on his phone. He made it through the first aisle without picking anything, wandering over to the produce aisle aimlessly. He plucked an apple from the stand and glared at it, trying to remember what fruit Minho preferred, when a voice caught his attention. 

“What did that poor apple do to you?” it asked.

Hyunjin’s head whipped around, turning to find a smiling Jisung at the end of the aisle with a small basket of food in his hands. Hyunjin could see a few packages of noodles and rice, a container of berries perched precariously on top. 

“Um,” Hyunjin said. “It made a bad pun?” 

“Ahh,” Jisung responded. “Then it should  _ apple-ogize _ .”

“It should!” Hyunjin laughed. “It hurt me to the  _ core _ .”

“I  _ apple-laud _ your efforts to stop puns,” Jisung said, eyes dancing. “They’re not very  _ a-peel-ing _ .”

Hyunjin finally broke into full laughter, Jisung giggling as he walked over. He gestured to the empty bags on the older boy’s shoulder. “You on a snack run?” he asked.

“Weekly groceries,” Hyunjin responded. “It’s painfully boring without my murder podcasts.”

“Maybe I can keep you company,” Jisung offered. “I only have a few things left on my list, and I might be less likely to give you nightmares.”

“I would hope so,” Hyunjin said with a wink.

They made their rounds through the store, picking up the groceries that Hyunjin could remember Minho bringing back last week- some vegetables and rice, packages of kimchi flavored ramen. Jisung tried to grab him the extra large bag of sweet potatoes, but when the weight nearly pulled him over, Hyunjin laughed and selected a smaller sized bag. Jisung nodded gratefully. 

They swapped a few more puns as they finished filling Hyunjin reusable bags, a baguette sticking out the side of one of them. While laughing at some of the off-brand soda names (“ _ Ah yes, I’m in the mood for a Mr. Fizz or a Citrus Drop! _ ”), Jisung had laughed so hard he had almost knocked over a display of spices, so they decided to wrap it up.

“Anything else you need?” Hyunjin asked. Jisung looked through his bags, trying to think of anything he had forgotten.

“Well, it wasn’t originally on my list,” Jisung said. “But cheesecake seems like an appropriate addition here.”

“Then we better head to the bakery section,” Hyunjin laughed. “I never say no to cake.”

They arrived right as an employee was handing the last cheesecake to a young woman. Jisung stopped in his tracks, devastated at having a tasty treat so close, yet so far. He sighed heavily, but Hyunjin just giggled and approached the counter. 

“I don’t suppose you have any left?” he asked. The employee, an older woman with round glasses and short grey curls, smiled at him. 

“We have one finishing up cooling in the fridge right now, if you don’t mind waiting about fifteen minutes?” she asked. “If you enter your number here, it’ll send a text when it’s ready.” Jisung typed his number in rapidly, the promise of cheesecake moving his hands at lighting speed. 

“Want to grab some coffee while they finish your cake?” Hyunjin asked. “It’s on me, since you helped me shop.” Jisung’s eyes lit up, the very mention of caffeine quickening his pace. 

They sat in the small cafe attached to the store, gripping their coffees and trying to balance the rest of the bags in a pile. Jisung sipped his americano happily, Hyunjin laughing between sips of a latte.

“How did you and Ellie meet?” he asked. 

“ We actually met last semester at one of the campus events put on by the film club,”  Jisung said, leaning back from his cup of coffee. “ They were doing a showing of the original Jurassic Park in the university’s theater. Ellie’s a film major and vice-president of the club, so she was helping run the event.”

“And you?” Hyunjin asked. 

“I just really like dinosaurs.” Jisung broke into a smile. “That’s why I named my lizard Cera- after the Triceratops.”

“Like in _ Land Before Time _ ?” Hyunjin asked. 

“Exactly!” Jisung yelled, elated that someone else got the reference. Hyunjin laughed, and Jisung continued. “Anyway, I had dragged my friends along to the movie and they wanted snacks, so we played a pretty heated game of rock paper scissors to see who would have to go stand in line for popcorn.”

“Did you win?” Hyunjin asked. 

Jisung immediately broke into a pout. “No, which is stupid because Chan picks rock  _ every _ time. And I always think- this will be the one time he doesn’t pick rock, so I always pick scissors, and I always lose.” 

Hyunjin laughed, the sound bright and joyful. It made Jisung feel a little bit like he was floating. 

“Anyway,” he continued. “Ellie happened to be working the portable popcorn machine that the club had set up in the hallway and she was just super excited. I found out later it was the first event she had helped plan, which is why she said she was so peppy, but she’s just kind of like that.”

Hyunjin said, “From the short time I’ve spent with her, it seems like her energy is infectious.”

“It is,” Jisung said. “So I asked for two large bags of popcorn, one with extra butter. They had this rusty machine on rent from a local theater and when she started to pour the extra butter into one of the bags for me, the machine just overflowed. Like, popcorn flew  _ all _ over the room.”

“Oh no!” Hyunjin laughed. “I’m trying to imagine you surrounded by flying popcorn.”

“It was bad,” Jisung laughed. “The rest of the line, like, completely disappeared. Ellie was trying to karate-chop some of the kernels in the air, and her defense stance was so over the top that I couldn’t help but laugh. I ended up missing the first part of the movie helping her get the machine under control. By the time I made it back to my friends, I had my two large popcorns and Ellie’s number written on the back of an old butter-stained napkin.”

“That’s cute,” Hyunjin said, smile wistful. 

“It was actually kind of gross, the napkin was all wet and-”

“No,” Hyunjin laughed. “I just mean you guys are cute together.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jisung shifted, looking uncomfortable. There was a beat of silence, then, “My parents like her.”

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “You guess?”

“She’s great, don’t get me wrong,” he said. “It’s just that sometimes… I don’t know. Nevermind.”

Hyunjin looked up, ready to ask another question, when Jisung’s phone buzzed with a text that their cheesecake was ready. Jisung hopped up from the table quickly, leaving the rest of his groceries with Hyunjin. As he walked off to the bakery section to get his treat, Hyunjin realized that his palms were a little sweaty. 

Hyunjin had helped him carry his groceries back to the apartment since it was just down the street, insisting that he needed to meet the famous Cera. He had cooed over her dark brown spots and given her some small pets on the top of her head, and by the time he set her back down in her terrarium, he was obsessed. As she sat on her log, she gave Hyunjin’s hand a little lick and he squealed, making Jisung’s heart do a strange flip in his chest. He supposed he just wasn’t used to people responding so sweetly to Cera, considering Ellie was terrified of her.

By the time Hyunjin had to leave, they made a plan to grab some food together the next evening. He was excited about it, but the extra time spent with Hyunjin that afternoon had thrown him off his very particular schedule a bit. He had only allotted twenty minutes at the grocery store, which then cut into his homework time, made him feel a little bit uneasy. He quickly finished off an assignment that was due in his math class before checking in with Ellie. 

The next evening would usually be his weekly movie night with her, but she had recently started a new film project that was taking up most of her evenings. She explained to him what it was for, but he tended to zone out when she started talking about film stuff, so he ended up just mindlessly nodding through those conversations. He was kind of relieved he wouldn’t have to watch the subtitled melodrama she had scheduled for that week. He made a note in his Google calendar about the change of plans, excited in spite of the inherent anxiety that came with editing his schedule.

✩ ✩ ✩  
  


Around seven the next night, Jisung arrived at a Korean barbecue spot in midtown that Hyunjin recommended. He waited outside as the smell of meat wafted through the air every time someone opened the door, making his mouth water more than he cared to admit. He looked over the menu posted in the window, trying to decide what he wanted to order as the sounds of k-pop floated from the restaurant speakers. The taller boy arrived a few minutes later, and they headed inside to grab a table near the window. 

Hyunjin started telling Jisung about majoring in psychology and minoring in dance, telling story after story of research projects mixed with dance competitions and grueling practices. Jisung was so interested in his experience, an artist in a way that he didn’t quite understand. They talked about favorite pets and childhood vacations, laughing when they found out that they had both broken their right arm while on family trips to the beach.

As they compared the scars on their arms, the conversation shifted to music. They became so enthralled in their conversation, debating the superior artist from the early 2000s punk pop era, that they didn’t realize they were incinerating their second serving of pork belly. 

“You cannot honestly be suggesting that My Chemical Romance was better than Blink-182,” Hyunjin said. 

“No,” Jisung countered. “I’m saying that MCR had a bigger impact on me personally. But Blink-182 had the literal greatest song of all time, which was titled-”

“ _ I Miss You! _ ” they both yelled at the same time. 

They leaned into their debate, so focused on each other that they didn’t even notice the billows of smoke coming up from the grill platter. By the time they realized what was happening, their food was far past saving. Their waiter had just winked at them as he took away the charred remains. “It happens,” he said, a smile on his face. “That’s how you know a date is going well.”

Before Jisung could correct him, the man had walked away to get them a replacement round. Hyunjin had a blush high on his cheeks, but they both ignored the comment and just jumped back into their conversation. 

“So now that you know a secret about me-” Jisung said.

“I don’t think spending money on a Fall Out Boy meet-and-greet is exactly a huge secret.” Hyunjin laughed. 

“Well, I consider it one,” Jisung said. “So now tell me something about you.”

“Like what?” Hyunjin asked. 

“You know, a secret,” Jisung said playfully. “Tell me something nobody else knows about you.”

Hyunjin’s eyes danced, and he looked around the restaurant dramatically before leaning forward. He took a deep breath, and for a moment Jisung was worried that he would tell him something serious, like that he was addicted to drugs or ran a mafia ring. Instead, the tall boy leaned in and whispered, “I take books.” 

“What?”

“I take books from people,” he said. “Like, when I go over to someone’s place, if they have a bookshelf I’ll just take one of the books. That’s what I was doing at Chan and Felix’s apartment, when you saw me putting a book in my bag.”

“You’re a  _ biblioklept _ ?” Jisung laughed. “The scandal.”

“I bring them back eventually!” Hyunjin insisted. “I just think it’s so interesting to read what’s on people’s shelves, and it’s kind of a rush.”

“Have you ever been caught?” Jisung asked, intrigued. 

“Oh, yeah,” he laughed. “All the time when I was younger. My family tries to make a game out of catching me, but I’ve gotten pretty good over time.”

“Wait, have you taken one from me and Changbin?”

Hyunjin’s smile spoke volumes. “Oh my gosh, when?” Jisung asked. “Which one?”

“When you were getting more mealworms to feed Cera, I looked at your bookshelf,” Hyunjin admitted. “I took this one.”

He reached into his bag and pulled it out sheepishly. The cover of  _ Curators: Behind the Scenes of Natural History Museums  _ stared back up at him, and Jisung felt his cheeks heat up. He opened his mouth to explain it away, maybe say that it belonged to someone else, but Hyunjin spoke before he could. 

“I’m only one chapter in,” he said with a smile. “But it’s super interesting. I can see why you have it.”

Jisung looked up, puzzled. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin nodded, putting the book back into his bag. “It says a lot about you. You care about peoples’ stories being told, honestly and respectfully. To be honest, I never really thought about museums much before- I kind of thought they would be boring. But the way they talk about how curators get a say in what parts of history are seen, what the public learns about our past and what they don’t, it’s so interesting. Do you go to a lot of museums?”

“Not anymore,” Jisung admitted. “I used to go all the time. I really wanted to be a curator one day, actually, but my parents thought it wasn’t a very stable job. They encouraged me to go into teaching history instead, since it’s a more stable job. All part of the plan.”

“The plan?”

“My life plan,” Jisung explained. “I’ve had everything planned out since I was twelve- where I’d go to college, what my majors and minors would be, where I would volunteer, what kind of car I’d buy, where I’ll move after I start working full time, even what color I’d paint my house.”

“Oh, wow,” Hyunjin said, eyes big. “And you’ve been following it so far?”

“To the letter,” Jisung said proudly. “I figure, if I have things all mapped out in advance, it’ll be easier to work through any potential issues. I never want to get caught in a situation where I feel unprepared, or like I didn’t work hard enough.”

Hyunjin nodded slowly, taking in the information with a curious look on his face. He leaned back in his seat, fixing his gaze on his friend.“What if you change your mind about something, later on?”

“I don’t,” Jisung said quickly. “At least, I haven’t so far. Of course, that means I’ve had to miss out on some cool stuff- like, last year the guys all went on a road trip but I had signed up to do an undergraduate research study that week so I had to miss it. But it’s okay, because I know things are going to work out according to plan in the end.”

“What would happen,” Hyunjin proposed. “If you just did something because you  _ want _ to?”

There was a silence, then. It went on longer than Jisung cared to admit, but the truth was that he was a little lost. “Um,” Jisung stuttered. “Honestly… it hadn’t really even occurred to me.”

“Really?” Hyunjin asked. He looked a little sad, and something about that was so upsetting to Jisung that he immediately started talking, without taking the time to filter properly. 

“I mean, I don’t get to just make decisions on the spot,” he rushed out. “I’m the oldest in my family, I have to set an example for my brother and sister. My parents have really high expectations for me, and I don’t want to disappoint them. I’m supposed to be the responsible one.”

“I get that,” Hyunjin assured him. “And I think it’s awesome that you’re so dedicated to being the best version of yourself.”

“Thanks.” Jisung blushed in spite of himself. 

“I just hope that your plan brings you a lot of joy,” Hyunjin said. “No matter what, you deserve to do what makes you happy.”

By the end of the night they had bellies full of bulgogi, plans for a secret book club, and the promise to visit a museum soon. Their dinner went a little bit over the hour and a half Jisung had originally allotted in his planner, but he didn’t feel guilty as he normally would. He wasn’t sure how it had happened, but by the time he settled into sleep he somehow felt like he had known Hyunjin his whole life. 

✩ ✩ ✩

**  
October 28th  
  
** ****

By the time midterms rolled around, Jisung and Hyunjin had gotten into the habit of hanging out after their classes ended. Hyunjin would show him old dance routines and random freestyles in the laundry room of Jisung’s apartment as they waited for the wash cycle to end, and the chore quickly became something that he looked forward to. 

One afternoon Jisung found himself ignoring yet another text from Felix reminding him about the Microeconomics study group that night- so far he had somehow avoided responding to any of them, but he knew Felix wouldn’t give up easily. He, Felix, and Hyunjin were all taking the class, but at different times, so this would be their opportunity to cram for the upcoming exam as a group. 

If he was being honest with himself, the last thing he wanted to do on a Friday night was willingly go to the library. It had seemed fun when he penciled it into his schedule weeks ago, but now that the day had some he didn’t really think the review session would help him very much- he already had a 99 in the class. 

As the clock ticked closer to seven, Jisung felt dread crawling into his veins at the thought of going to campus. He started to pack his school bag when a pamphlet fell out, another paper Ellie had likely stuck in the front pocket months ago. It was a brochure for a drive-through theater in the next town over, and Ellie had highlighted some of the more interesting offerings. Although they had never ended up going together, Jisung still liked the idea so when he noticed that there was going to be a showing that night, an idea quickly formed. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket swiftly, fingers moving quickly across the screen.

_ Jisung [6:48pm]: Hyunjin _

_ Jisung [6:48pm]: are you going to the study group tonight? _

_ Hyunjin [6:49pm]: ugh _

_ Hyunjin [6:49pm]: I guess _

_ Hyunjin [6:49pm]: I really don’t want to, tbh _

_ Jisung [6:49pm]: what if i said... _

_ Jisung [6:50pm]: i had a proposition for you _

_ Hyunjin [6:50pm]: oh? _

_ Jisung [6:50pm]: how do you feel about playing hooky? _

_ Hyunjin [6:51pm]: be there in ten _

Hyunjin’s car was small, but they had managed to stuff in two old beach chairs, three pillows, two blankets, and a handful of snacks. By the time they reached the drive-in, Felix had texted them both a pouting selca but told them to have a good time while he suffered through notes on scarcity and opportunity cost. 

They made it with ten minutes to spare, pulling into an empty spot on the left side of the large lawn. They had a decent view of the screen even though they were in a row further back, and Jisung set up the chairs while Hyunjin turned his car radio to the station that would be providing the sound for the movie. He could hear bits of the announcements coming through the speakers around him, different volumes from different vehicles. There was a faint smell of gasoline in the air from all of the cars parked in one spot so close together, but he didn’t mind. 

They plopped down in their chairs, high on the rush of skipping academia for a fun night out. Jisung was practically buzzing- he had never done something like this before, something unscheduled, and the high wasn’t anywhere near fading when the final cars pulled into the lawn. Images flashed across the screen, a projection coming from somewhere behind them all. The screen was haphazardly set up- one side standing just a touch taller than the other. Something like that would usually drive Jisung crazy, but Hyunjin was talking a mile a minute about the last time he had been to a drive in ( _ “Believe me, you haven’t seen ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ until you’ve seen it on at a shitty drive in with your friends, drunk off your ass,” _ ) and he found himself barely noticing the lopsidedness through his laughter.

The evening was surprisingly warm for late October, but they still pulled their blankets into their laps, if only for the coziness, just as the first movie started. It was a double feature that night, but Jisung only recognized the second movie that would be playing. The word  _ Midsommar _ flashed across the screen. 

“What is the first one supposed to be about?” Hyunjin whispered. 

“A festival, I think?” Jisung said. “That’s what the poster looked like, anyway. I’m honestly not sure. I mainly came for the second movie- it’s one of the Bond sequels.”

“Of course,” Hyunjin laughed. “You seem like an action kinda guy.”

“But Ellie has definitely mentioned this one,” Jisung said. “So I’m assuming it’s good?”

Hyunjin’s smile faltered a bit, for some reason, but he nodded and offered Jisung the bag of chips in his lap. They munched on their snacks as the main character came onto the screen. Jisung braced himself for an hour and a half of folk music. 

They very quickly learned that not only was the movie  _ not _ a feel-good documentary about a boho summer festival, but it was also one of the highest rated horror films from the past few years. Jisung tried to pretend that he was totally fine with the absolute terror happening on screen, but it only took a few muffled screams for Hyunjin to yank his chair closer and pull a blanket over their heads. 

“You good?” Hyunjin whispered. “I assume you’re not a horror fan.” Jisung’s eyes were wide, and he looked a little bit like a deer in headlights. 

“Do you want to leave?” Hyunjin asked. He took his hand, giving it a squeeze. Something about that small act of kindness settled his nerves a bit, made him want to stick it out, so Jisung said, “No, it’s okay. Just stay close to me.”

Hyunjin smiled. “You got it.”

They emerged from the protection of the fuzzy blanket cautiously, just in time for another person to die violently on screen. Jisung hid behind one of Hyunjin’s shoulders, and he could feel the vibration of him laughing softly. Normally, that would make him feel embarrassed, but he could tell that Hyunjin’s laughter was fond, not mocking. He took a deep inhale and steadied himself. He would get through this. 

An hour of unnerving chanting later, there was a short fifteen minute intermission before the start of the next film. Jisung hopped up from their spot to take a quick bathroom break, eager to get the image of boho cultists out of his head. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he noticed that he had sweat through his shirt in his terror, and his heart was still pounding a little bit. 

It reminded him of how every time Ellie tried to watch a horror film he would end up sweaty and ashamed at the end of the night, embarrassed at the fact that he hadn’t been able to watch the screen the way she had. He was surprised to find that, although he was just as damp as usual, he wasn’t embarrassed this time. Something about the way Hyunjin kept a hand on his arm, covering Jisung’s eyes when it got too gorey, had made him feel a little bit validated. 

The second movie was significantly more enjoyable. Jisung found himself engrossed in the action scenes and laughing through the monologues, with Hyunjin attempting to repeat some of the lines under his breath in a shaky Scottish accent. They crushed the rest of their snacks as the final fight began, and the entire audience honked their horns when the villain was defeated. 

The drive home was a blur of GPS navigation and off-key singing, punctuated by peals of laughter. When Hyunjin pulled into the parking lot of Jisung’s apartment complex, he turned the car off before they could start another rendition of  _ Sugar We’re Goin Down _ . They carried the chairs back up to Jisung’s apartment, only dropping them once, and Hyunjin leaned against the doorway as they said goodbye.

“Thanks for ditching with me,” Jisung said with a smile. “I haven’t skipped something in, like, actual years.”

“Was it the most responsible thing to do, academically? No,” Hyunjin laughed. “But was it a hell of a lot more fun? Duh.” 

He looked over to Jisung and, almost without thinking, leaned over to brush a lock of hair out of his eyes. He wasn’t usually one for a lot of skinship, but he found himself leaning into Hyunjin’s touch. The moment his fingertips left his skin, Jisung felt hope bloom inside his chest, thin as a petal and equally as fragile.

“Have a good night, Ji,” Hyunjin said softly. 

When Jisung shut the door, he had to lean his back against the wood for a moment to collect himself. He didn’t know what it meant, that tightness in his chest and the woozy feeling in his head, but he knew that it was exciting and scary in the way that all new things are. 

He wanted to feel it again.

✩ ✩ ✩  
  


**November 29th  
  
**

Weeks passed quickly like that, a blur of boring lectures and late-night study sessions, until the boys all forgot what life was like before they were all friends. Felix was trying to teach Seungmin and Jeongin how to cook (it was not going well), while Chan and Minho continued to go on dates (which did go well).   
  


Hyunjin started sending cookies to Jisung's apartment when he was working on a particularly hard essay, aware of how the sugar rush improved his typing speed, and Jisung would send the older weekly playlists to incorporate into his dance routines. Their friends noticed how close the two had gotten, and liked to gently poke fun at them during game nights, but Jisung became very good at ignoring pointed looks from his roommate whenever a delivery guy knocked on the door. Eventually Hyunjin started sending Changbin a treat, too, if only to stop the incessant teasing. 

  
Between new faces at parties and the minutiae of college classes, Jisung found himself loosening up a bit. He was surprised to find that when his schedule changed a bit, he didn’t have that same heart-dropping panic that he had developed over the past twenty-one years. Instead, he started looking at each day as an opportunity to learn more about how to adjust. When Hyunjin started to fall behind in a class, Jisung taught him his note-taking method, providing him with a color coded binder for studying. Hyunjin, in return, encouraged Jisung to continue in his journey of relaxing a bit more- to spend less time panicking about the future and more time enjoying the  _ now _ .

  
Just as Jisung was about to turn in for the night one quiet Wednesday, Hyunjin showed up at his door with two bags of chips, a small tupperware of brownies, and a sparkle in his eyes. Jisung looked him over suspiciously, but let him in his room once he started pouting about being able to see Cera. 

“You’re being weird,” Jisung said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he insisted. He walked by him, scurrying to Jisung’s room as he had countless times before. Hyunjin stroked the scales on Cera’s back, trying his best to look innocent as Jisung came in and closed the door. It was clear he was holding back excitement.

“You look mischievous,” Jisung prodded. 

“Maybe,” Hyunjin offered. “I just have a mischievous face.” Jisung rolled his eyes, but laughed. Hyunjin couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. 

“What’s in the brownies, Jin?” Jisung prodded. 

“Hmm,” Hyunjin looked thoughtful. “Chocolate?”

“Oh,” Jisung feigned ignorance. “Then you’d have no problem sharing with Changbin, right? I’ll just go get him-”

“No,” Hyunjin grabbed his arm, pulling him back. He whipped his head back and forth, as though someone could be spying from behind Jisung’s bean bag chair in the corner. He sighed, defeated. “Fine, they’re  _ special _ brownies. I got them just for us.”

“I knew it!” Jisung burst into laughter. “You were way too happy about seeing me on a Wednesday.”

“I’m always happy to see you,” Hyunjin said with a soft smile. Jisung looked away, ignoring the strange tightening in his chest. He cleared his throat. 

“Ellie would kill me if she knew I was getting high on a weekday.”

“Good thing she’s not here, then,” Hyunjin countered in a sing-song tone, offering him a small square. Jisung paused, then took the baked treat. 

“Good thing she’s not here,” Jisung sang back, holding back a giggle. He ate the brownie in one bite. 

Forty-five minutes later, he and Hyunjin had gotten comfortable on the couch. Changbin had taken one look at the giggling pair before he retreated to his own room, wishing them luck. Jisung had started a National Geographic documentary about museum exhibits and was babbling about his favorite pieces he’d seen when the high hit him like a semi truck. 

Suddenly, the music in the documentary seemed like the most groundbreaking piece of art he had ever consumed. Colors were brighter, the intensity rolling over him in waves. He almost felt like he should look away, the screen so magical in his vision, but he was worried it would disappear if he closed his eyes. He finally turned to Hyunjin, searching his face to see if he was as engrossed as he was. 

“Ji,” Hyunjin giggled. “I think I underestimated these.”

Jisung threw his head back in a full belly laugh. He felt the stress melt away, the buzz settling in with a comfortable glow. Suddenly the stress of his midterms and internship applications all seemed so far away. One by one all of his obligations fell out of sight, until all that was left was sitting next to him, a lanky boy with red cheeks and a laugh that made him feel like he was seeing stars. 

As they watched the documentary, Jisung found himself opening up about his dream of working at a museum. He hadn’t realized it, not really, how much he still desperately wanted the chance to do something he was passionate about. He talked at length about all the programs he would run, if he had all the money and resources in the world, without stopping to edit himself or think about the plan. He dreamed about the way he would be able to talk about history with people, to explain it in a way that made it come alive, so that other people could see why understanding where we come from can direct where we are going. Hyunjin watched him intently, nodding at the right places and only munching on chips when Jisung would get distracted by something. 

Two hours in, the documentary had ended and Hyunjin had turned the television to some random cooking channel. As the contestants ran around the kitchen, insisting that they could cook a risotto in only 20 minutes (“You  _ can’t _ !” Hyunjin would shout), the boys found themselves settling into a comfortable silence. 

Jisung sighed, completely content. The high was fading, but the two seemed in the best mood they had been all night, just existing in the same space together. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy, this relaxed. He had a suspicion that it had less to do with the weed and more to do with the fact that he had someone like Hyunjin in his life- someone kind, someone funny, someone who really listened to what he had to say. It had been so long since he had felt excited by anything, so consumed with his life plan that he forgot what it was like to just say “fuck it” and do something for the sake of just  _ doing _ it. 

When he looked up, he found Hyunjin looking back at him, eyes soft. Jisung was overcome by the sudden urge to reach out and touch him- were his cheeks really as warm as they looked? How could somebody’s eyelashes be that long? Somewhere in the haze of his thoughts, he knew that he probably shouldn’t be feeling like that. 

God, he didn’t even feel like that about  _ Ellie _ . 

Later on, he knew that he’d probably need to do some thinking about why he was feeling like this. He wasn’t stupid, he knew something was different about the way his hands shook a little bit when Hyunjin called him brilliant or kind. His brain was so fuzzy, though, and he desperately wanted to do something he wasn’t particularly good at- stay in the moment. 

Hyunjin started a running commentary of the show, adding in his “expert opinion” on all of the cooking techniques. Jisung was pretty sure he was talking out of his ass (“ _ Ah yes, the classic choppy-chop! _ ” Hyunjin exclaimed at one point), but he found it surprisingly endearing. He started to mime the cooking motions, sprinkling in imaginary salt and stirring a phantom pot. Jisung reached over, dipped a finger into the open air, and stuck his finger in his mouth. 

“Needs more spice,” he said. 

Hyunjin nodded fervently, adding more ghost ingredients. All at once, it  occurred to him how deeply Hyunjin had settled into his life. As he watched the boy next to him laugh over an imaginary stew, he felt a bit as if he’d been hit by a truck. He wasn’t sure how it had happened, honestly, but he knew that with a few words Hyunjin could easily tear him to pieces, rip his heart out, and he probably wouldn’t even feel it. He’d probably let him do it again. 

Just when he thought he might burst from the pressure of all these thoughts, Hyunjin leaned over and settled his head into the crook of Jisung’s neck. 

“Thanks,” Hyunjin said softly. 

“What for?” Jisung asked. His hand somehow found its way to the nape of Hyunjin’s neck, a few strands of hair between his fingers. 

“For being you,” Hyunjin said, his words growing quieter. “I’m just really glad that you’re my friend.”

Jisung tried to think of something to say, but then Hyunjin was breathing softly, settled into sleep. As he drifted, he sunk heavier into the smaller boy’s side with his long legs splayed out along the couch. Hyunjin tucked into him in a way that made Jisung feel a little dizzy, and he considered waking him up for a moment before finally deciding to let his friend rest. There was something soft about Hyunjin when he slept- lips gently parted and little puffs of air punctuating the silence. Everything felt peaceful. 

If Jisung had known what was coming, he might have savored the moment a little bit more.


	3. carrying secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! 
> 
> This week has been a little difficult for me emotionally, but I just wanted to say that reading all of your comments has brought a smile to my face on really hard days! Thank you so much for reading and for caring. I hope you enjoy this update! :)

✩ ✩ ✩

**December 10th**

Jisung was supposed to be studying for his finals, but instead he was FaceTiming Ellie. She was talking a mile a minute about their upcoming trip, details about the house they’d be staying at and the classes she’d be taking, but he found himself thinking about Hyunjin. Almost without thinking about it, he panned the camera over to Cera. As he expected, Ellie immediately recoiled.

It made him think about how gentle Hyunjin was with her, how he listened to him talk at length about dinosaurs and history and music, never interrupting him because he’s really that interested in what he has to say. He can’t remember the last time he felt that way about anything he and Ellie talked about. 

“You there, Ji?” she asked. He sighed, looking at her face through the screen. Her hair was tied back, a ribbon falling through loose curls. She blinked at him through long lashes, her eyes bright and concerned. Anyone could see that she was beautiful. Not just beautiful, but kind and funny and supportive. He knew that Ellie always had his back, would drive over to his apartment right that minute if he asked. And he felt… nothing. 

He ended the call as quickly as he could. 

_ Jisung [10:03pm]: did you finish the economics study gudie for the final? _

_ Jisung [10:03pm]: *guide _

_ Hyunjin [10:04pm]: yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’s all garbage _

_ Jisung [10:04pm]: good, we’ll match _

_ Hyunjin [10:05pm]: matching trash _

_ Jisung [10:05pm]: you know what they say _

_ Jisung [10:05pm]: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure _

_ Hyunjin [10:06pm]: aww, are you saying I’m treasure? _

_ Jisung [10:06pm]: um, no _

_ Jisung [10:06pm]: the treasure is me _

_ Jisung [10:07pm]: obviously _

_ Hyunjin [10:07pm]: LOL  _

_ Hyunjin [10:07pm] “obviously” _

_ Jisung [10:07pm]: I’m kidding _

_ Jisung [10:07pm]: you can be treasure too _

_ Hyunjin [10:08pm]: good! :) _

_ Hyunjin [10:08pm]: this treasure is going to try and get some sleep now _

_ Hyunjin [10:08pm]: I’ll see you tomorrow, Ji. Then we’re free! _

Jisung put down his phone, but couldn’t fight the smile on his face.  Once finals finished, they all had one week left on campus before the college broke for winter vacation and he could hang out with his friends as much as he wanted. 

He wanted to ask Hyunjin about his plans for the breaks, spring break and summer break, but he was worried it might be too early. After all, not everyone planned out their entire lives like he did. Still, he was hoping they would be able to spend a lot of time together, and he had naturally stated a google doc with potential spots to hang out together. As he thought about itineraries, he found himself smiling.  It was crazy how quickly his night could turn around. 

✩ ✩ ✩

**December 17th**

The boys were all binge-watching a new anime in Hyunjin and Minho’s apartment when Jisung’s phone started pinging rapidly. Seungmin, Chan, and Jeongin all ignored it, completely engrossed, but Felix complained about the constant interruptions. Minho jokingly offered to throw it out the window, but Jisung managed to peel himself off the couch to grab it from the table while Changbin paused the show.

Just as he was trying to decipher the string of keyboard smashes Ellie had texted him, she started calling him. When he picked up the phone, he could hear her roommate squealing in the background.

“ _ Hello _ ?” she said, a little breathless.

“El?” he asked. “What’s up?”

“ _ Oh my god _ ,” she said. “ _ Ji, I got into the study abroad program _ .”

“Wait, what?” he asked. Ellie’s roommate screamed again, and he imagined that the two were probably dancing around their small kitchen at that moment. “What study abroad program?”

Hyunjin’s head popped up, but Ellie was talking a mile a minute. 

“ _ New York! I’ve been telling you about the past few months, the one I’ve been working on this film project for? It’s three whole months in America! And I got in! Me! _ ”

Jisung froze, trying desperately to remember her talking about this program. Ellie was babbling about how the application process had been so stressful the past few months, and something in the back of his fuzzy brain told him she had definitely brought it up a few times, but he obviously hadn’t been paying very much attention. He tried to hide how lost he was as Hyunjin looked at him with mild concern, the anime long forgotten.

“That’s awesome, El!” he finally said, if a little forced. “Of course you got in, you’re a genius. When is it?”

“ _ The beginning of summer, _ ” she said. “ _ I’m so excited. I’m going to get to study under actual filmmakers over there, I can’t believe it!  _

“I’m so proud of you!” Jisung squeezed in, then she was back to rambling at a rapid pace. Ellie’s energy was always bright, but he could practically hear her smile through the phone. He couldn’t help but smile, endeared at her infectious joy over accomplishing something really big. 

“ _ And they’re going to give me a huge stipend to live there, so you can come with me!” _

“Wait, what?”

_ “I know you have ‘travel somewhere new’ on the goals section of the life plan, so this would be perfect for that. We can spend the summer together, exploring a new country! _ ”

He suddenly felt a little clammy, but didn’t let himself dwell on the feeling too much. It made him happy that Ellie thought of him, of his plan, and been so intentional about including him in her own plans. Again he was reminded why he and Ellie were so close- there was a mutual respect for their own aspirations, and it seemed that all of his girlfriend’s hard work was paying off. 

Ellie finished up screaming and he congratulated her once more, promising to buy some extra garlic bread next time they went out as a treat (“ _ Carbs! The way to my heart! _ ”) By the time he hung up, he had communicated the situation to his friends through miming, pointing, some particularly awkward facial expressions. 

“So you’re going to the US?” Changbin asked. “Who is going to bug me all summer?”

Jisung shrugged. He should follow his girlfriend to a new country, explore the world a little while enjoying a small vacation. It was the perfect opportunity, really, for him to check off a goal while getting even closer with Ellie. He knew it was the logical next step in his plan.

“That’s so exciting, hyung!” Jeongin said. “Oh my god, can you bring me back a souvenir? Something cute.”

“Us, too!’ Minho insisted, Chan nodding wildly. 

“Me three!” Felix yelled, followed by Changbin’s, “Me four!”

Seungmin rolled his eyes, but mouthed “ _ me too _ ” when the others weren’t looking. As Chan started talking about the time he had visited the US, naming a few restaurants he should visit in SoHo, Jisung looked over to find that he couldn’t read Hyunjin’s expression at all. Everyone else was clearly excited for him, but Hyunjin’s face was mostly blank, almost like he was looking through him. Jisung was embarrassed to find that he couldn’t feel the same joy the others did, not until he could tell what Hyunjin was thinking. 

They were both silent for a moment before the older boy sat up and smiled. “That’s great, Ji,” he said. “I’m really happy for you.”

Jisung smiled, relieved. At the same time, however, he noticed a small weight settle right in the pit of his stomach, like a stone weighing him down. 

✩ ✩ ✩

**January 10th**

Winter break passed in a blur of group chats and eating way too much home-cooked food. Spending time with his family was mostly relaxing- his sister had convinced Jisung to try adding a streak to his hair one evening, and she seemed pleased with her DIY work. His brother, however, had laughed in his face when he came out of the bathroom, so he had tried to fade it as much as possible before coming back to campus. 

By the time Jisung made it back to his apartment the weekend before the semester was supposed to start, Ellie had made no less than two vision boards for her study abroad program. One sat in her apartment, and she gifted the other to him. He set it in the corner of his room, a small beacon to show him where he’d be at the end of the semester as long as he stayed on top of his plan. He was excited for her, truly, but couldn’t seem to match her overwhelming joy. Some nights he found himself looking at the old google doc he had made of places to explore over the summer, but eventually it just bummed him out so much that he deleted it completely. 

Changbin noticed Jisung was a bit down, and suggested some time with their friends might help. Though it took a little prodding to get all of them to respond to his digital invite ( _ “Why do I have to accept the digital calendar invite?” Felix complained. “I literally am telling you here in person that I’m coming!” _ ), the group eventually made plans to do a pot-luck dinner. If Jisung ordered the main dish from his favorite take out place nearby, well, nobody would have to know.

Although she would be busy finalizing travel plans at a meeting that night, Ellie helped him organize a bit. By the time she had to leave, his and Changbin’s living room looked more, well, livable. His voice cracked when he said he loved her as she left the apartment, and Changbin kindly pretended not to notice.

Their friends came through the door one-by-one that evening, each bringing along a different side dish. Chan had kimchi, Minho brought some fried rice, Felix had some vegetables, Jeongin and Seungmin carried a pot of stew, and Hyunjin inexplicably brought a cake. When questioned about it, he simply said, “Every day is a celebration if you make it one!” Chan and Minho rolled their eyes, but Jisung secretly found it endearing. He had to fight off a blush when Hyunjin gave him the biggest piece. 

They all engaged in their usual rounds of Mario Kart and Call of Duty as they digested. Minho sprawled out on the floor with Chan, showing him a video of a new workout routine he had found online. Jeongin and Seungmin were throwing insults back and forth as they tried to lap each other in the game while Jisung egged them on, thriving on the competitive energy. 

As Hyunjin got up to use the bathroom, Changbin leaned over. “Jisung, can I ask you something?” 

“Shoot,” Jisung said, trying to cover Jeongin’s eyes so Seungmin could push past him. 

“Did you know Ellie was applying to the program?” he asked. “Or that she’d want you to go with her?” 

Jisung just shrugged. It was clear he’d had no idea. Felix leaned forward from his spot on the couch, a twinkle in his eye. 

“Let  _ me _ ask you something,” Felix said. “What is Hyunjin doing next weekend?”

“He’s going home to visit his family,” Jisung replied. “It’s his dog Kkhami’s birthday, and you can’t very well miss that.”

Seungmin and Jeongin looked much less invested in the game by that point, their controllers hanging loose in their hands. Chan and Minho were still looking at the workout video, but it looked like the screen was paused. Felix and Changbin shared a look, but didn’t say anything. 

“What?” Jisung asked, indignant. 

“It’s just kind of interesting,” Changbin said gently. “That Ellie had this huge life event planned, and you had no idea, but you know almost everything about Hyunjin.”

“How is that interesting?” Jisung shook his head. “We’re friends.”

“And Ellie is your girlfriend,” Felix said. “I mean, she still is, right?”

Jisung paused. “You guys are being weird, it’s not like-”

But Hyunjin returned then, immediately jumping on top of Jeongin and reaching out to pinch his cheeks. Seungmin laughed, holding down the boy’s arms while Minho scrambled to grab his legs. Chan jumped up to try and stop the tickling from escalating into kicking, but his efforts seemed futile. 

Jisung could feel Changbin and Felix looking at him, but he ignored them. Instead, he hopped off the couch to grab another drink and pushed the conversation out of his mind. 

Once Hyunjin had properly tickle-tortured Jeongin, they all spent the rest of the evening watching a movie. Jisung relaxed with his friends and sent Ellie a few texts, but he couldn’t shake the sense of confusion he felt beginning to hover over him. He noticed Hyunjin sneak over to his bookshelf when everyone was focused on the movie, quietly returning the book he had borrowed. 

Ever since finding out about Hyunjin’s proclivity for book-napping, they had gotten into the habit of sharing secrets.  Usually it was something small- like Jisung’s habit of singing  _ Baby Got Back _ every time he got drunk, or Hyunjin’s tendency to murmur affirmations to his plants when he watered them. It was a fun thing to do, and every evening when he got back to his apartment Jisung felt like he was carrying those secrets home with him, like tiny little whispers about what made Hyunjin special. 

This was the first time Jisung was seeing it with his own eyes, a secret in action, and something about knowing this little private piece of Hyunjin’s life made him feel warm.  When Hyunjin returned to the couch and saw Jisung’s eyes on him he flushed a soft pink, smiling sheepishly at being caught.

“What’s so funny?” Minho asked, gesturing to Jisung trying to hide his smile. 

“Nothing,” Jisung laughed. “Just trying to decide if I should tell all of Hyunjin’s secrets.”

“I love secrets!” Felix exclaimed. “They help you get to know people  _ fast _ .”

“Very true,” Seungmin said. “For instance, did you know Jeongin once threw up in someone’s lunchbox?”

“How does that happen?” Chan asked, incredulous. 

“I was six!” Jeongin exclaimed. “And I had the flu, it wasn’t my fault. Jack was sitting next to me at lunch and was eating this super smelly tuna sandwich and it just made me feel so nauseous. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but it hit me all at once.”’

“So you threw up in the poor kid’s lunch?” Changbin laughed.

“It was either that or throw up on his head,” Jeongin said through giggles. “I just grabbed his Anpanman lunchbox and let loose.”

“That’s diabolical,”” Minho said. “I love it.” 

“You’ve got secrets, too,” Chan interrupted. “Did you guys know Minho sings his cats a lullaby?”

“That’s not a secret,” Minho said. “That’s just being a good father.”

“I’ve got a good one,” Felix paused for dramatic effect, a devious smile on his face. “My first kiss is here in this room!”

The room exploded in volume, everyone pointing fingers. Changbin and Chan were eyeing each other suspiciously, each trying to get a read on the other. Seungmin and Minho were arguing over whether Felix was making the whole thing up, and Felix was poking them along with cryptic answers. 

With everyone in conversation, only one person was quiet. Jeongin picked up on this quickly. 

“No  _ way _ ,” Jeongin said. 

“What?” Felix asked. 

Jeongin looked to him, eyes wide. “ _ Jisung _ ?”

The entire room turned to look at him at once, and Felix burst into giggles. “Correct!” he said. 

Changbin turned wildly, gripping Jisung’s shoulders in shock. 

“How did I not know this?” Chan yelled from the corner of the room. 

“It’s not like that, though!” Jisung said, hands up. “It was a friendly kiss.”

“How does one have a  _ friendly _ kiss?” Seungmin asked. 

“We’ve been friends since high school,” Felix explained. “I was really struggling with my sexuality, trying to figure out who I was. I was talking with Ji about it and he said I could kiss him if I wanted, to see if that made anything any clearer.”

“Did it?”

“Obviously,” Felix said. “It was a little awkward, because Jisung and I don’t like each other like  _ that _ , but it was very clear to me like- oh, yeah I’m supposed to be kissing dudes.”

“Wait,” Changbin said. “That’s kind of sweet, actually.” 

“It was,” Felix agreed. “Though, to be honest, I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t Jisung’s gay awakening.”

“I’m sorry!” Jisung laughed. “I just didn’t feel anything, not like that.”

“You win some, you lose some,” Chan said sagely. 

The rest of the night passed pleasantly, with only a bit of teasing on Felix’s end. It was only later on, as everyone was putting on their coats to head back home, that Jisung realized Hyunjin had been silent for the whole conversation.

With all their friends out the door, Changbin and Jisung began to half-heartedly clean their living room. While they toyed with the idea of getting some houseplants (“ _ You would kill them immediately, _ ” Changbin warned), Hyunjin sent Jisung a text, causing him to immediately abandon his mission of clearing the coffee table.

_ Hyunjin [7:32]: I had fun tonight, thanks for having us all over :) _

Jisung sat on the couch, typing a quick reply when he felt his roommate’s eyes on him. “What?” he asked. 

Changbin shrugged, so Jisung looked back down to his phone in time to see Hyunjin’s latest message, a selca of him with a beaming smile.

“Do you think he dreams?” Jisung asked suddenly.

“I guess?” Changbin said. “He’s a human being, we all dream at some point. Last night I had the weirdest dream about a pig and a bunny-”

“I don’t mean at night,” Jisung interrupted. He leaned back into the couch, tossing his phone over to the coffee table. “I mean, like, in life.”

Changbin looked confused, so he continued. 

“Does he dream of living somewhere far away, or new opportunities? Is he the kind of person who dreams about accomplishing something really big, or is he content with a quieter life?” He sat up, looking at his roommate with curiosity. “Like, is he a dreamer?”

Changbin paused, thinking quietly. Finally, he said, “Is Ellie a dreamer?”

“Absolutely” he said. “She’s always had big plans for her life. I haven’t really spent a lot of time with her lately, but I figure I’ll get enough of that in the US so I’m trying not to plan my days out too much.”

“You?’ Changbin sputtered. “Not planning something out?”

Jisung blinked at him, not knowing what to say. He eventually looked away, the intensity of his roommate's gaze too much for him to process. For maybe the first time in all their years of friendship, they sat together completely silent.

That night, as Jisung struggled to fall asleep, he tried to think about Ellie. When he closed his eyes he thought back to the trip to the mall they had taken the previous week, buying luggage for their upcoming trip. She had helped him pick out an extra large suitcase, space for his clothes as well plenty of room for all of the souvenirs he would inevitably buy for all of his friends. Ellie had been practically buzzing with excitement, talking about all the places they should visit during their time abroad. 

He drifted off focusing on the memory of her freckles but right as he fell into sleep, Hyunjin’s laugh rang in his head, clear as a bell.

✩ ✩ ✩

**February 2nd**

Jisung and Ellie picked up their movie nights, now in a biweekly fashion. Once Ellie got out of her evening class and Jisung would finish up getting milkshakes at the diner with his friends, they would meet up at Jisung’s apartment. It seemed to work for them- Ellie still got to talk about film theory and rant about her favorite directors, and Jisung got a bit of a break every other week from high-brow films that he frankly found a little boring. 

As Ellie chatted about the latest movie they watched, some documentary about clean water in impoverished countries, she noticed that Jisung seemed to be lost in thought. She waved her hand in front of his face, his gaze far off in the distance. 

“Are you good, Ji?” she asked. 

He started, a little embarrassed at how he had been zoning out. “I’m good.” he said simply. 

Ellie, of course, wouldn’t take that at face value. “Jisung.” 

Her tone got his attention, and he looked up to meet her gaze. His girlfriend was looking at him kindly, but it was clear she was worried. 

“What’s going on, babe?” she asked. “You seem off lately. You usually love the documentaries.”

“It’s not the movie, El,” he admitted. “I just don’t really feel like myself tonight.”

“Talk to me about it,” Ellie offered. “I’ll listen as long as you need.”

Jisung smiled. Ever the encouraging friend, Ellie leaned back in her seat, patient. She picked at a few of her split ends as Jisung collected his thoughts. Once he was ready to talk, he looked up at her. 

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve created this Frankenstein life,” he admitted. “Like, I’ve stitched together all these things that I think a perfect life should have. Grades, friends, you, my family, my career- it just all looks so perfect from the outside. And people tell me that they look up to me and it makes me feel… off.”

“You’re usually pretty good with feelings, though,” Ellie said. “I’ve always loved that about you.”

“I am,” he agreed. “When friends come to me with tears rolling down their cheeks, bloodshot eyes, gasping through sobs about a breakup or a lost job or even just a bad day, I know exactly what to do.”

Ellie nodded, encouraging him to continue. 

“I can celebrate with the best of them, too,” he continued. “ I can handle tossing back drinks and sharing in the joy of other people’s accomplishments. When someone needs advice- _Do I ask them out?_ _Do I take the promotion or chase the new dream?_ \- I always know how to ease their mind with gentle speech, know to rub soothing circles into their back.”

He paused, surprised to find that he was even saying these things out loud. Ellie took his hand wordlessly, threading her fingers through his until he felt ready to continue.

“I’ve talked people down from anger,” he said. “I’ve led people to hard realizations, laughed until my entire belly ached, and supported others through their emotions my whole life. So I know, I  _ know _ , that I’m good with feelings. Great, really.” 

He raised his head, eyes guilty. “As long as they’re not mine.”

Ellie nodded, listening patiently. Jisung found himself talking, then, about all the things he usually kept tucked high away in his mind. How he was worried about teaching, whether he would actually enjoy it. How his parents were putting so much pressure on him, how his sister looked up to him, how his brother texted him for advice, how his teachers always knew they could call on him. How it all felt a little suffocating. He talked about  _ almost _ everything. 

He didn’t talk about Hyunjin. 

When he was out of words, out of energy, Ellie leaned in to give him a hug. “You’re okay, Ji,” she mumbled into his shoulder. “It’s okay to be confused. We’ve all been there. Just be yourself, everything else will come naturally.”

With her arms around his waist, he felt himself finally exhale a bit. He felt guilty admitting to her that he was overwhelmed, desperate to look like the pressure of everything could never affect him. Although he couldn’t bring himself to bring up the one thing, the one  _ feeling _ , he was struggling with most, he still felt better. Ellie, ever the kind soul, was willing to listen to whatever he was willing to share. 

For a moment, he wondered if he could really fall in love with her like he was supposed to. But then Ellie leaned in to kiss him, and he had to close his eyes.

✩ ✩ ✩

**February 14th**

On Valentines Day Jisung found himself sitting on the wooden floor of Hyunjin’s room, leaning back against some pillows they had thrown haphazardly on the floor. He hadn’t planned it out that way, of course, but Ellie was busy preparing for a film project that was due the following week and everybody else had plans for the holiday. When he had joked about spending the afternoon alone, Hyunjin had immediately invited him over. Jisung had arrived with snacks and a flower that he picked up at the grocery store along the way, as a joke. Hyunjin had laughed, but there was a light dusting of pink on his cheeks as he put it into a vase on his desk.

They were listening to Hyunjin’s record collection, a conglomeration of old jazz albums, alternative rock, and the occasional acoustic mix. Jisung preferred hip hop usually, but something about the sound of a guitar gently strumming seemed to fit. Hyunjin just had that natural easieness about him, where he made you feel relaxed. Safe. 

Sunshine was spilling in through the windows, illuminating a small patch of the floor in golden light. Hyunjin had some faded green curtains on the window next to his bed, and the light coming through the glass in that corner filtered through the colored fabric, painting Hyunjin’s skin a muted seafoam. 

Jisung found himself watching him, eyes lingering on the older boy’s face. His eyes were shut, so focused on the music coming from his old record player on the floor next to them that he didn’t even notice how Jisung was smiling at him. There was something so incredibly domestic about the sight of Hyunjin with messy hair and sweatpants on his hips. It struck him with a squeeze in his heart that he had never felt that tug looking at Ellie- he had seen her sleepily blink awake in early mornings and comb her auburn hair with his brush, but nothing struck him with as much fondness as he felt now, looking at a boy he had only known for a few months. When Hyunjin started to blink his eyes open, Jisung instinctively looked away. 

“What’s your secret for today?” Hyunjin asked. 

Jisung tilted his head, thinking. “Can you go first?”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, but nodded. “Hmm, lemme think,” he said. He looked around his room, like his framed photo of Kkhami or his posters of GOT7 would give him an idea. “Okay, I’ve got an embarrassing one.”

“Oh?” Jisung sat up, intrigued. “Spill.”

“I have a bad habit,” Hyunjin said. “Of falling in love with unattainable boys.”

Jisung felt a blush rise high on his cheeks, and he hoped Hyunjin didn’t notice. The taller boy continued, “It’s happened, like, three times. My last relationship ended because he was too self-conscious about dating a guy, the one before that was in love with his ex. Minho always rags on me for having such awful taste.”

“So what’s your type, then?” Jisung asked. He didn’t know what possessed him to ask, but luckily Hyunjin didn’t look phased. 

“Someone fun- like, he can make friends easily and has his own interests, but he also has to have the ability to take things seriously. Has to be able to carry a conversation. Someone who makes me laugh and encourages me in my own stuff, like dance,” He glanced over, finding Jisung watching him intently. “Someone kind of like you, honestly.”

Jisung laughed, but it sounded forced to even his own ears. Just as he was about to respond, his phone rang. There was a flash of recognition in Hyunjin’s eyes when he heard the muffled sound of Ellie on the other end of the line, and Jisung almost thought he looked a little disappointed. He was probably just seeing things. 

Ellie spoke quickly about how Jisung needed to make sure his passport was up to date, how they needed to buy airline tickets for the trip before prices skyrocketed around spring break. By the time fifteen minutes had passed, Jisung realized he hadn't spoken once, and Ellie was already saying goodbye. 

“Yeah,” he said. “I love you, too.” The words sounded hollow even to his own ears. When he finally hung up, Hyunjin sat up from his position on the ground. He was watching him with an unreadable expression. 

“So,” he said. “That was my secret. It’s your turn.”

Jisung paused, having to to fight a wince. He didn’t understand why it was so uncomfortable to say out loud, but none of his other friends knew and it was starting to drive him crazy. He sighed, then said, “I don’t really want to go to the US.”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows lifted, clearly not having expected that. “Oh, wow,” he said. “Since when?”

“Honestly, since the beginning,” Jisung admitted. “She just threw it out there and it seemed to fit with my life plan and I just accepted without thinking. It seemed like the right thing to do, but now everything is moving so quickly and it feels a little out of control. And I feel guilty for not wanting to go, because she’s great, but…” He shook his head, embarrassed. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

“If you don’t want to go, then don’t?” Hyunjin asked. Jisung shrugged, so Hyunjin put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. “I’m not gonna judge you, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to do something just because it’s what’s expected of you.”

“But that’s exactly it- it  _ is _ what’s expected of me,” Jisung said gently. “One of my cousins followed her dreams and ended up broke and alone. My parents would always point at her and be like,  _ do you want to end up like her, Jisung? No? Then be realistic. Follow the plan _ .”

“Well, what would you do,” Hyunjin offered. “If there was no plan?”

Jisung smiled in spite of himself. “I always thought I’d end up in a big city, New York maybe. I’d be a curator for the Museum of Natural History, handpicking pieces for new exhibits. I’d go to conferences and read about the latest historical discoveries and live in a tiny, shithole apartment with a huge, ugly rug that I made out of old t-shirts. It would probably smell like stale chips and weed mixed with a hopeful spritz of febreeze, but it wouldn’t matter, because it would be all mine,” 

Jisung closed his eyes, the vision of his life playing out in his head. 

“I’d wear clothes from thrift stores and never plan out my weekends, and I’d probably have a dog. Not a fancy one, but like one you get at the animal shelter when he looks really rough and then months later all the love and attention turned him into a spoiled pup. I’d only talk to my family around holidays, and they’d have no say in anything I did. I’d make a huge, extra-as-hell brunch every Sunday morning with y-”

He shot up, shocked by his own stream of consciousness. “With Ellie, I mean. Fuck, I didn’t even mention Ellie, did I?” He paused. “Does that make me a bad person?”

“I don’t think so,” Hyunjin’s eyes were unreadable. “I don’t think you have the ability to be anything but good.”

“I don’t know what she sees in me sometimes,” Jisung admitted. 

There was a pause, Hyunjin’s eyes completely unreadable. He leaned over, pushing a piece of hair behind Jisung’s ear. Then, quiet as a whisper, “I do.”

_ This was too much _ , Jisung thought. His head was spinning and the room felt like it had elevated by ten degrees, the tension in the room almost unbearable. He focused on the flower sitting on Hyunjin’s desk, the soft pink rose with crooked leaves grounding him in the moment. 

He wondered if Hyunjin had caught his slip up, how he almost put him in the imaginary life plan before he came to his senses. If he was being honest with himself, he could still see it. Brunch in New York when the sun was already high in the sky, walking along the periphery of the city, a large hand in his own, swinging along their sides as they enjoyed the fresh air.

Cheeks hot, he could feel Hyunjin’s eyes on him. He wasn't in a situation where he should be laughing but he knew that he did, because he felt the small puff of air pass his lips even if he couldn’t hear the sound himself. He could hear his own heartbeat thumping in his head, and was worried Hyunjin might hear it too. Was he as on edge as Jisung was? Was this all in his head?

Just when he thought he would explode, Hyunjin’s eyes grew wide. “ _ Fuck _ ,” he said. “Oh my god, there’s a  _ huge _ spider behind you.”

Jisung turned around to find an alarmingly large spider dangling on the wall beside his head. He sat forward as Hyunjin sank down to the ground, trying not to screech. Jisung scooped up a cup sitting on Hyunjin’s bedside table, one of those free plastic cups you get at on-campus events. He tried to focus on the college logo instead of the eight legs in front of him.

“Hey there, little guy,” Jisung said. “Or little gal. Or little pal? Whoever you are, I’m gonna help you out.”

He whispered quiet encouragements to the spider as he collected him in the cup, sliding a piece of paper over the top to keep the tiny creature from escaping. He opened the window with one hand, leaning his other arm out and releasing the spider. The exact moment that it left the windowsill, Jisung screamed.

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” he shrieked. “That was a  _ huge _ spider!” Hyunjin blinked at him, confused by the sudden change of energy.

“What?” he asked. “But you seemed totally fine?”

“Spiders scare me,” Jisung admitted. “But, you seemed more scared when we saw it, so I wanted you to feel safe. That’s, like, the first time I’ve gotten rid of a spider without crying.”

“That’s sweet,” Hyunjin said with a giggle. “You’re sweet.”

“Just for you,” Jisung admitted. “I usually make El take all the creepy crawlies out.”

“I guess I’m special.” Hyunjin smiled. 

Jisung felt his heart rate pick up, but all he could do was nod. He shimmied the residual fear out of his body, then rejoined Hyunjin on the floor. He found himself both thankful for the arachnid interruption and also angry. Before he could let himself overthink his feelings, he fluffed the pillow on the ground and offered the other half to Hyunjin. They both laid their heads down, and Jisung laughed when he noticed an old glow-in-the-dark star stuck on the ceiling. 

“Cute,” he said. Hyunjin shoved his shoulder, but was giggling. 

“It was here before I moved in,” he admitted. “I couldn’t bring myself to take it down.”

“Maybe the spider was attracted to the glowing,” Jisung teased. 

“No,” Hyunjin insisted. “Spiders don’t care about aesthetics.”

“Well, I like it,” Jisung said softly. “Everyone should have some of the galaxy in their rooms.”

“Did you know,” Hyunjin said softly. “That a supernova only glows after it explodes?”

Jisung looked up, a little thrown off. “What?”

“Sorry, that was random,” Hyunjin said, blushing. 

“No, random is great,” Jisung said. He flipped onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. He learned forward and turned the music down a bit so Hyunjin could speak comfortably. “Tell me everything.”

Hyunjin smiled in spite of himself, Jisung’s attention on him even as his own eyes were on the ceiling. The star seemed to wink at him as he spoke. 

“I learned about supernovas in my freshman year chem class,” Hyunjin said. “They were just using it as an example of chemistry in action, or something. But that fact always stuck with me, you know? You’d think a supernova would glow all the time, but it’s only after it explodes that you see all those colors. It kind of makes me think of you, in a way.”

Jisung smiled, a little confused. “How so?”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a photo of one, but it’s insane. It’s all these blues and purples, stars everywhere. But it’s only at its most beautiful after it lets go of control, completely.” 

Jisung smiled in spite of himself, but didn’t say anything. “Anyway,” Hyunjin said, a little embarrassed. “Maybe you’ll be like that, too.”

“Maybe,” Jisung murmured. “But that means I’ll have to explode, first.”

It was only a matter of time. 


	4. playing dirty

**March 14th**

Hyunjin had gotten out of his evening class early to find Jisung waiting with an extra coffee and dark circles that suggested he hadn’t slept well. He took the latte gratefully, and noticed Jisung rocking slightly, shifting his weight back and forth from foot to foot. 

“Wanna get away from campus?” Hyunjin asked. 

“Yeah,” Jisung looked relieved. “I’ve been in class or at the library since 6am. That would be nice.”

They piled into Hyunjin’s car wordlessly, driving without any real destination in mind. They moved leisurely around the city, trying different dessert places whenever the menu looked interesting enough. At first, Hyunjin felt a little embarrassed at the idea of going to a restaurant and just ordering dessert, but Jisung had waved his fears away with a flick of his wrist. 

“If we want it, we should go for it!” he had said. “You’re the one who taught me that we can’t wait for life to just pass you by.”

Hyunjin just smiled, pointing to a cookie flight at the bottom of the menu when their waiter came by. That was one of the first things he noticed about Jisung- he was unashamed, in every sense of the word. So many people pull their punches, holding themselves back from being fully themselves, for fear of being judged. That was especially true around new people, where everyone feels under pressure to make a good first impression. But Hyunjin had barely made it through the door of Chan and Felix’s apartment before he saw a small boy with round cheeks in full-on belly-laughter, unconcerned of his volume or pressured into hiding his joy. 

Hyunjin thought he might have fallen for him right then and there, standing in that doorway, before he even knew his name. 

Now, sitting in a small bakery and munching on still-warm cookies, Jisung stumbled over his words as he talked about how he and Changbin met. Whenever he got really excited about a topic, or told a particularly engaging story, Jisung’s mouth would sometimes move faster than his brain and he’d end up stuttering. It wasn’t something that he was embarrassed about, hadn’t been for a long time, and Hyunjin found it endearing in its own way. 

He thought of it as a manifestation of Jisung’s passion- how his joy for life couldn’t be contained properly within his sentences, occasionally spilling over. He had so many plans for his life, and he was so focused on accomplishing his goals that there had to be passion behind it all if he wanted to keep going. There were some times where he wanted to tell the younger boy that it was okay to slow down, to take his time… but he had a feeling that Jisung wasn’t used to speaking so openly with other people about things he really loved, so when he felt comfortable, he really let loose.

When they were almost sick from all of the frosting, they headed back home for the night. With one hand gripping the steering wheel and the other fiddling with his necklace, Jisung smiled as Hyunjin sang along with the radio. When the music changed to a slower song, Hyunjin leaned back in his seat.

Jisung started to harmonize with the song, softly at first, then growing in volume as he felt more confident. Hyunjin wished he wasn’t driving, wished he could close his eyes and listen to his voice. He wished he could pull over, pull him in, and envision a world where he got to hear Jisung singing in the shower every morning. He knew he preferred sleeping on the right side of the bed, that he needed to have one leg sticking out from under the covers while he slept. He wondered what it would be like to get to wake up to his face, to see him smile and blink awake in soft morning light. He wondered if he’d ever get to see him like that, even just as a friend. God, he hoped so. 

Jisung insisted on walking him to his door, insisting that he would rather walk home since it was such a warm evening and he would feel better seeing Hyunjin get home safely. They walked up to the door in a comfortable silence, the kind that only comes with time and trust. He pulled the taller boy into a hug, and Hyunjin could smell sugar from their evening of sweets and the slightest hint of mint. He found himself holding on just the slightest bit too long.

Jisung offered a small wave as Hyunjin shut the door to his apartment. Minho and Jeongin were sprawled on the couch, watching a variety show on the television while Seungmin attempted to clean their kitchen. Once he noticed Hyunjin, Minho immediately perked up from his spot on the couch. 

“How was your date?” he asked in a singsong voice. “Will there be a second? When are we introducing him to the parents?”

Minho was obviously joking, but Hyunjin found himself sighing. Almost without thinking, he muttered, “There can’t be a second date if there was never a first.”

“Wait,” Minho’s eyes grew wide. Hyunjin tried to backtrack, but the older boy put a hand up to stop whatever excuse he planned to offer.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Minho said. “You’re in love with a straight boy. _Again_!”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, joining them on the couch. He scooted Jeongin over so that he had a bit more room, tucking the younger boy into his lap. 

“Okay, and I’m the dramatic one? I’m not in _love_ with him.”

“But you’re into him,” Jeongin countered from below. 

“Okay, so I’m into him,” he said, shrugging. “Is that a crime?”

“No, but it’s dangerous territory,” Minho said. “It’s a bad idea.”

“What’s happening in there?” Seungmin called from the kitchen. “What’s a crime?” 

“I’m doing damage control!” Minho yelled. “I’m trying to tell him not to get into something that’s just going to break his heart.”

Seungmin rushed over to the table, smelling slightly of bleach and with one hand still gripping a scrubbing brush. He pointed the cleaning tool at Hyunjin’s face. 

“You’re telling me,” he said. “Jisung, the guy that has spent the last seven months looking at you with huge heart eyes, is _straight_?”

Hyunjin nodded slowly as Jeongin simultaniosuly shook his head no. 

“He’s _not_ straight,” Jeongin said, sitting up so that he could lean back into a cushion. “My gaydar is never wrong, and he pinged from the first moment he walked in here.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin agreed. “He obviously wants to dick you down, Hyunjin.”

“Oh my _god_ , Seungmin!” Minho yelled.

“What?” He asked. “He was eating Hyunjin with his eyes!”

“Even if he was, you can’t just _say_ something like that!”

“We’re all adults here, hyung.”

“First of all!” Hyunjin interrupted. “You can’t just assume somebody’s sexuality. He said himself that he and Felix kissed that one time and it did nothing for him.”

“Which I think is borderline criminal.” Seungmin interjected. 

“But that’s not the problem here,” Hyunjin continued. “I don’t exactly fit into his life plans. He has a girlfriend who clearly does.”

“I still think you should go for it,” Jeongin insisted. He picked at a thread in the cushion, looking thoughtful. “You should see the way he looks at you, hyung. It’s like the rest of us aren’t even here, and I can’t remember the last time Ellie hung out with all of us. He’s so focused on you- it’s always like that with him.”

“And all this sexual tension is exhausting,” Seungmin sighed. 

“You guys are _no_ help,” Minho interjected. He turned to Hyunjin, taking him by the shoulders. “It’s a bad idea, Hyunjin. Trust me, don’t do it.”

“I’m not _doing_ anything,” he said, lifting his hands in defense. “Seriously, I don’t want to get in the way of somebody’s relationship. I’m not going to fuck up his fancy little life plan. Besides, I really like Ellie.”

“This would be a lot easier if she was a shitty person,” Jeongin said sagely. 

“She’s not, though.” Seungmin said. “And God, how does she get her hair so _shiny_?”

“Last month she gave me her color-coded study guide that she had saved from her math class sophomore year,” Jeongin admitted. “I cruised through stats.”

“We get it, she’s perfect.” Hyunjin muttered. Seungmin frowned when he noticed how miserable his friend looked. 

“Oh, Jinnie,” Seungmin said. “You really like him, huh?” 

“The best way to get over someone is to get _under_ someone else,” Minho said. “Let me set you up with this guy in my dance theory class. He’s gorgeous, I promise you’ll forget about your crush in no time.”

“I don’t want to go on a blind date, hyung,” Hyunjin insisted. “The feelings for Jisung… they’ll pass.”

“So what are you going to do?” Seungmin asked. “You’re obviously intrigued by him.”

Hyunjin thought to himself about what his course of action should be. Part of him, albeit a part he didn’t really want to listen to, screamed at him to just open up. The other part, though, was louder. He didn’t want to stand in the way of someone being happy.

“I’m going to be his friend,” Hyunjin said. “That’s all I can really do.”

✩ ✩ ✩

**April 4th**

It wasn’t until moments before that Jisung realized he had fucked up. He had woken up to a few missed calls from Ellie, but he didn’t check the messages before heading into his first class. Ellie was waiting for him in the hallway when the lecture let out, and it only took a glance for him to remember. 

Oh god. 

It was their anniversary. 

“Hi babe!” she yelled. “You weren’t picking up, so I just wanted to swing by and see if we were still on for leaving tonight?”

The next few moments of silence felt like a full calendar year. Of course, they had planned for the two of them to go visit her family that weekend, for him to “meet the parents”. It was the next logical step in their relationship. Especially since they would be together all summer in a different country, he wanted to get her parents approval. He was supposed to have bought their train tickets last week- he definitely remembered hastily writing it on a sticky note and sticking it to his monitor. Of course, he had spent the past few nights crashing at Hyunjin and Minho’s place, binging a drama that Hyunjin insisted would change his life. The train tickets had totally flown from his mind. 

The drama had been amazing, though. 

When it was clear that Jisung was faltering, her shoulders fell. “Well,” she said. “I guess we aren’t going, then.”

“I’m _so_ sorry, El,” he rushed out, cheeks hot. “I can’t believe I forgot to get the tickets. I can call and see if they have any seats left, if we could get-”

“It’s fine,” she said, in a voice that clearly said it wasn’t. “Maybe I’ll just drive to my parents’ this weekend. I needed to get my car inspected at home anyways.”

Jisung was mortified, but couldn’t help the flutter of relief at the idea of Ellie leaving. At least he wouldn’t have to spend the entire weekend groveling over his mistake. But, shit, he shouldn’t be feeling like that, should he? About his girlfriend, of a _year_?

Ellie gave him a halfhearted peck on the cheek before turning and walking away. When he closed his eyes all he could see was the late afternoon they had spent at the beach together, about a month into dating. He had been plucking shells from the shore while Ellie swam in the waves, her laughter reaching the shore. Even back then, he had been waiting for the feeling of love to hit him, and was frustrated that it wasn’t coming. He remembered the way the sand slowly slipped through his fingers, and now it seemed Ellie was slipping away from him, too.

Jisung knew he should probably follow after her, but he couldn’t seem to get his feet to move. Instead, he found himself with his phone pressed to his ear. He didn’t even remember pressing the buttons.

_“Hey Ji,_ ” Hyunjin’s voice was bright, even this early in the morning. _“What’s up, you forget something here?”_

“Can I come over?”

_“Uh, yeah. Everything ok?”_

“Yeah,” he said. “Well, no, I kind of fucked up. I forgot Ellie and I’s anniversary.”

There was a beat of silence, then, _“Oh.”_

“Yeah, I feel like shit,” he said. “I’m pretty much the biggest piece of garbage there is.”

_“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?”_ he offered. 

It was clear he was trying to cheer him up, and Jisung was surprised to find that it was working. By the time Jisung had walked all the way to Hyunjin’s apartment, he felt a little better. Hyunjin opened the door with a sympathetic half-smile. 

“Hey, Romeo,” he said.

“How could I forget?” Jisung groaned. “Like, how much of a piece of shit do I have to be to forget our first anniversary?”

“You seem like you need a distraction,” Hyunjin said. “Do you wanna skip the rest of your classes today, get your mind off everything?”

“I’ve never skipped before,” Jisung admitted. 

“We don’t have to, if you’d rather-“

“I want to,” Jisung said quickly. “I need to get out of my own head for a bit.”

Hyunjin nodded and led them toward the part of campus where he had parked his car. He grabbed some old cups and takeout bags that had been in the front seat, hurriedly throwing them to the back of his car with a small blush. 

They drove along as noon came and went, and Jisung couldn’t help but wonder where they were headed. He wasn’t used to not having a hold on his own schedule, but there was something exciting about letting go of the reigns or a bit. When Hyunjin finally parked his car, offering the attendant a few crisp wons for the small fee, Jisung found himself looking at a huge building with a blinding smile. 

“Admission is free,” Hyunjin said, beginning the walk toward the entrance. “They don’t close until 10PM, so we can stay as long as you’d like.” 

“How do you know so much about the Seoul Museum of History?” Jisung asked.

Hyunjin’s cheeks reddened, and he looked over with a sheepish smile. “I may have done some research on the museums around here, after you told me about how much you love them.”

“Oh,” Jisung’s chest felt warm, so he took off his coat. “That’s sweet, Jin, thanks. Let’s get in there!”

They spent the first hour exploring some of the season exhibits, with Jisung’s eyes lighting up at each new section. They learned about the trams of Seoul, the history of the surrounding villages, dating back to the 18th century. Jisung was especially interested in one collection that included information on historic hat shops, highlighting the beauty of long-ago street markets and commerce. 

The permanent exhibitions began with the Joseon Capital, bringing to life stories from all the way back to 1392. Jisung spoke a mile a minute, pointing out xhibition choices that he agreed with, as well as some sections that he’d like to get his hands on to improve. They moved to the section on the Korean Empire, looking at historic artifacts that showcased how Korea opened up to the world through trade relations and travel abroad. Hyunjin bet Jisung 100,000 Won to touch one of the documents under a glaring _do not touch_ sign, but Jisung’s passion for history won over his inclination for causing mayhem. 

Hyunjin spent most of the visit looking at Jisung, rather than the exhibits. There was something so beautiful about the way Jisung opens up to him when they’re inside the museum halls, like the petals of a flower blooming out and opening. He can’t help but think that it’s different from the way he talks to Ellie, how he closes himself back up a little bit. It’s like the sun had gone away and he needed to pull his petals back in, settling back into the mold of himself that he thinks he’s supposed to be. The person he thinks everyone expects of him. The person he thinks everyone loves. 

As they moved to the final section in the permanent collections, passionately titled _Seoul, Now and Future_ , Jisung sighed contentedly. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve been inside a museum,” he admitted. “I forgot how much I love it.”

“You look at home, here,” Hyunjin said. 

“It feels like home,” Jisung laughed. “I’ve always been so comfortable inside an exhibition hall. That’s kind of weird, right?”

“Not at all,” Hyunjin countered. “You love what you love, there’s no helping that.”

Jisung stilled, but Hyunjin didn’t seem to notice. 

“Come here, there’s one more thing I want to show you,” Hyunjin said. “You know how they have lectures and classes and stuff here?” 

“Yeah,” Jisung said with a nod. “ I saw a middle school tour coming in after us, I think.”

“Well, they also have this one other thing I think you should know about,” Hyunjin said. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small pamphlet. There, printed on glossy paper, were the words _Curator Training Course_. Jisung’s head shot up so quickly his neck cracked a little, echoing in the empty hall at an embarrassing volume. 

“They have this?” he asked, words a little shaky. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said with a nervous smile. “It’s a vocational training in museum operations. I did some research after I finished the book I took from your apartment and found the program. I actually emailed the head of the program-”

“You what?” 

“And he told me that it includes all types of training,” Hyunjin continued. “Theoretical and practical application, all in one.”

Jisung’s eyes were glassy as he looked over the pamphlet. It was the perfect program, really, with leaders in the history world offering their expertise to college and graduate students alike. For a moment, just a moment, Jisung let himself imagine a different reality. A world where he could get his master’s in history instead of teaching, where he could take this course and get an internship, where he could become a _real curator_. 

“This says it starts in July,” Jisung whispered. 

Hyunjin’s smile fell. “Yeah.”

“I’ll be in America.” Jisung said, dejected. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said, a little hollow. “I just thought it was cool, and that you’d like to see it. Just to know it existed. I don’t mean to upset you or-”

“No no no,” Jisung rushed out, taking his friend's hand. He interlaced their fingers, rubbing a soothing thumb along the back of Hyunjin’s hand. “It’s perfect, I’m really glad you showed it to me. Even if I can’t do it, it makes me really happy that there’s programs like this running in Seoul.”

Hyunjin’s smile returned, a little cautious. Jisung gave his hand a squeeze, and the anxiety left his friend’s face instantly. 

“Thanks for taking me here, Jinnie,” Jisung said. “I feel a lot better than I did earlier.”

“Things with Ellie will all work out,” Hyunjin reassured him. “Get her a bouquet. Something soft and delicate, like daisies or cosmos. She’d like that.”

“She would,” Jisung agreed. The light in his eyes dimmed a bit, but then Hyunjin was pulling him into the hallway, rushing toward the outdoor exhibits. 

They spent their last hour exploring the stone figures and historical materials in the outdoor exhibits. Jisung noticed a few minutes into their time at the former Gwanghwamun Gate that they were still holding hands, but he didn’t make any more to pull away. He wasn’t sure if it was really okay for them to keep holding on, but he wanted to. So he did. 

They walked around the _Suseon Jeondo_ fountain, a huge collection of waterspouts in the shape of the old Seoul map. Hyunjin tried to run between two of the spouts, but ended up getting his entire left side splashed. Jisung almost choked on his own spit laughing at him. 

The ride home was as fun as their afternoon had been. Hyunjin dropped Jisung off at his complex that night, both of their voices hoarse from singing old trot songs the entire ride home. Before he left the car, Jisung turned to find his friend was handing him a small bag, tied haphazardly with an old ribbon. 

“You mentioned last week that Cera’s birthday is coming up,” Hyunjin said. “I made her a gift.”

Jisung squealed in excitement, taking the bag with grabby hands. When he finally opened the gift, later that night after he had gotten ready for bed, he found that Hyunjin had created a new little space for Cera. He had constructed a small tent for the lizard to lounge in, soft material plush under his fingers. 

He placed it in her terrarium and she hopped inside immediately. He took a photo, texted it to Hyunjin with no less than three sparkling eyes emojis. As he settled into bed, he looked over to find that Cera had curled up in the front of the tent, looking warm and safe. 

He supposed Hyunjin just had that effect on people. 

✩ ✩ ✩

**April 12th**

Ellie had accepted his apology flowers with a small smile, daisies and yellow cosmos wrapped in crinkling paper. They made plans to have a “redo dinner” that weekend, planning a video call with her parents so that they could meet Jisung in the anniversary celebration that should have happened already. He made sure it didn’t fall on a Thursday, though, because that was game night. 

After months of the group's weekly game night, the evening had slowly shifted the event from a fairly relaxed get-together into a battle royale, in which Felix almost always emerged the victor. For weeks they had toyed around with the idea of a tournament, and that week was finally _the_ night. 

Felix and Chan had prepped the apartment with extra floor pillows while Minho, Hyunjin, and Changbin had made an alcohol run. Seungmin and Jeongin picked up extra takeout for the evening as Jisung put the finishing touches on a carefully curated tournament guidebook, complete with color-coded bracket slots. Chan had questioned the need for such a detailed setup for Mario Kart, but Jisung insisted that if they were going to have a championship game, they needed to prepare like champions. Chan rolled his eyes, filling out the brackets for the first rounds. 

Jisung groaned when he realized that he was paired with Minho. “Are you kidding?” he complained. “He always beats me, I’ll be out in the first round.”

Minho did a small dance in the corner, munching on a snack before he settled into his seat to destroy all of Jisung’s hopes and dreams. 

Hyunjin leaned over to him, offering him some shrimp crackers. “If you distract him in the second to last lap,” he whispered. “You can throw him off and overtake him. Say something random, it’ll knock him off his focus.” 

Jisung nodded, strategizing in his head. Maybe he wouldn’t be out so quick, not if he had a strategy. Planning had never steered him wrong before, after all.

Hyunjin stood against Chan, who was as bad at the racing game as Felix was good. Hyunjin would be an easy advance to the second bracket, where he would take on the victor between Changbin and Seungmin. Hyunjin won his round easily, as expected, and when his round passed with no surprises, Jeongin booed at the lack of action.

Seungmin overtook Changbin by half a lap, much to the older boy’s chagrin. Jeongin and Felix fought a tight race, going back and forth in first place until the final lap. It looked like Felix would be continuing his winning streak, but then a poorly timed sneeze took over, providing Jeongin with the split-second distraction he needed to push past Felix. The entire room erupted in noise, making a huge scene about “the big upset of the night”. 

That just left Jisung and Minho. Using Hyunjin’s advice, Jisung waited until the final lap to distract Minho with his only weakness- embarrassing secrets about Chan. He wasn’t above playing dirty.

“Hey hyung,” Jisung said, pulling into the final stretch of the race. “Did I ever tell you about the time Chan-hyung got locked out of the apartment in his underwear?”

Minho sputtered, the potential of a story pulling his focus for a critical moment. Jisung pushed past him, the victor. The room cheered, and Minho threw his head back in a laugh when he realized what had happened. 

“Oh, that was sneaky,” Minho snickered. “Now you owe me _two_ Channie stories.”

“Deal,” Jisung bowed. Chan looked less than pleased, but his joy in everyone else’s laughter quickly outweighed his embarrassment.

The second rounds of the game passed quickly. Jisung beat Jeongin with a brutal blue shell, leaving the last round of the semifinals between Seungmin and Hyunjin. The two friends remained neck in neck through most of the game. 

“Stay focused,” Minho elbowed Jisung’s side. “Get all the dirt on their strategies while you can, you’ll be playing the winner of this one!”

Seungmin jerked his head up. He looked briefly at Jisung, then at Hyunjin, then back at the screen. Suddenly, he jerked his car to the right, leaving Hyunjin with the win. The room burst into cheers and boos, split down the room. Hyunjin turned to ask why he threw the game, but the smirk on his friend’s face spoke volumes. For a moment, Jisung thought he saw Seungmin wink at Hyunjin, but then he groaned about how he should have won, and Jisung couldn’t be sure if he didn’t just imagine it. 

“Here it is, everyone!” Felix announced, raising his hands in excitement. “The official final round of the 2020 Mario Kart Championships!”

They all roared, splitting into cheering sections. Hyunjin had Jeongin, Changbin, and Felix in his corner, all insisting that he would win easily. Chan, Seungmin, and Minho crowded behind Jisung, hyping him up as he finished his beer with a chug.

“Best of luck,” Jisung said dramatically, extending his hand. “May the best man win.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin took his hand, shaking it with a flourish. “I will.”

The first two laps were clearly Hyunjin’s. When Jisung got his hands on a blue shell, Changbin tried to block the television screen so he couldn’t throw it properly, and he partially succeeded. The third lap found Jisung inching closer, closing the gap, and by the fourth lap they were in a tight race. 

“FLOOR IT, HYUNJIN!” Felix screamed. 

“DON’T DISTRACT JISUNG BY YELLING!” Minho screamed back. 

The volume in the apartment rose to a borderline unsettling level at that point, both sides heckling the other as the final lap began. Jeongin sat perched on Changbin’s shoulders, hands pressed to the ceiling as he cheered. Minho and Chan were holding hands, but also were aggressively chanting affirmations at Jisung. 

Pulling into the final stretch, it became clear that Jisung would take the title. He was a full two cars ahead when he looked over at Hyunjin to prematurely gloat. The older boy’s eyes were wild, the idea of losing so pressing that he blurted out the first thing he could think- “ _Did you remember to feed Cera before you left!?_ ”

In spite of himself, Jisung dropped his controller. Oh my god, did he feed Cera? Yes, of course he did, he always put her feeding time into his google cal- oh _fuck_.

The room erupted as Hyunjin sped past the temporarily distracted Jisung, who shrieked when he realized what had happened. As Hyunjin’s character zoomed by the screen for the replay of his victory, Jisung threw his controller to the side and pounced on him. Hyunjin laughed so hard he shook, trying to wriggle out of the smaller boy’s grasp even as Jisung pushed him to the ground.

“Don’t be a sore loser!” Hyunjin yelled through his laughter. 

Jisung ignored him, tickling his sides in retribution as he howled in defeat. He could feel the adrenaline pulsing through him, the shock of defeat and the joy of being with his friends settling in his chest. He put his hands on his Hyunjin wrists, pinning him to the ground and boxing him in with his arms to ensure that escape would be impossible.

“There’s no way you beat me like that!” Jisung said through a laugh, pinching Hyunjin’s side so hard that he squealed. 

“Looks like you need to learn to focus better, Mr. Life-Plan,” Hyunjin teased. 

Jisung rolled his eyes, but leaned down to get in Hyunjin’s space. He tried not to think about how good he smelled, about the light pink dusting his cheeks. This close, he noticed how long Hyunjin’s eyelashes were, how delicate. He wondered what it was like growing up with a face like that, so naturally gorgeous that people couldn’t help but look. He stroked the side of his face, trying to slow his heart rate. Mere inches from his lips, he found words filling his mouth without even thinking. 

“With a pretty boy breathing down your neck,” he quipped. “It’s hard to focus on anything else.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widened.

The words tumbled out so quickly he didn’t even realize what he had said until the room grew quiet. Jisung jerked back, looking up to find Seungmin was staring at him with wide eyes, while Felix had completely dropped his phone. He stood up immediately, letting Hyunjin out of his grip to sit back against the couch. Hyunjin was looking at him with laser-like focus, and he racked his brain for something to say, but nothing was coming out. Just when he thought he would have to run out of the room, Changbin cleared his throat. 

“When are we doing a rematch?” He blurted, pulling all the attention in the room to himself. “Because I would bet actual money that I can wipe the floor with Hyunjin next time!”

Everyone fell back into conversation, then, and Jisung felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He looked at Changbin, tried to relay to him through his eyes his thanks. God, he appreciated his friend. He didn’t know what possessed himself to flirt with Hyunjin so brazenly and he couldn’t imagine what it looked like to their friends, but if their stares had been anything to judge from, it had been just as intimate as he’d felt. He excused himself, rushing to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face and reevaluate each of his life choices. 

As Jisung left the room, Hyunjin looked up to find Seungmin and Jeongin wiggling their eyebrows at him. His cheeks were still hot, stomach in knots at the attention from a boy he was clearly head over heels for. How had he let it get this bad? Had he always felt this strongly, and he was just now realizing it? 

He pointedly ignored his friends, walking to the other side of the room toward his roommate. He pulled Minho aside, leaning in so that nobody else could hear him. Hyunjin nodded, but Minho merely raised his eyebrows.

“Call your friend in the morning,” Hyunjin finally said. “I’ll go on the date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweet AO3 readers! I am sorry this one is a bit late- to say that this week has been rough for me would be… an understatement. My godfather is going into hospice, my dad is still doing chemo, and yesterday I had to put my childhood dog to sleep via facetime since I can’t travel due to COVID. So, yeah, your girl has been SAD lately!! That said, I went and reread some of your comments / thoughts from past chapters and it really encouraged me to keep writing and take some time for myself. Thanks for always being so lovely and encouraging and excited about reading, I really appreciate every one of you! It makes me so happy to see what parts really jump out to you, and the little details you all notice. Writing is such a lovely distraction for me right now, and I hope reading provides you with the same comfort.
> 
> PS: all the info about the Seoul Museum of History is true! Definitely check out their website if you’re interested :)
> 
> Best,  
> MK


	5. intoxicating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your encouragement & patience with this update, I am so thankful for you all- please enjoy :)

**May 1st**

With the trip to America only weeks away, Jisung was intent on spending as much time with Hyunjin as possible. He had the strange suspicion that the older boy had been avoiding him a bit since the game night where he had blurted out that he found him attractive, and he tried not to stay awake at night drowning in his own embarrassment. _Tried_. 

He felt like he should apologize for being so flirty, especially in front of their friends. He was embarrassed that he had made Hyunjin uncomfortable, couldn’t imagine what he was thinking about him, tiny flashes of anxiety made him worried that he had crossed a line. He decided to send him an updated car playlist, knowing how the boy used long drives to clear his head. He’d sent a Spotify link full of Vampire Weekend, NF, and H.E.R., adding a few extra guilty pleasure tracks that he knew made Hyunjin smile. He hoped that, wherever he had been spending his time, he had been happy. 

But he _missed_ him. 

When he finally couldn’t take it anymore, he resigned himself to just going over without warning. He arrived at the complex determined, if a little sweaty. Even if Hyunjin was avoiding him, he wanted to talk about it, to find a solution. If he had to apologize every day for the rest of the year, he’d do it. 

He hyped himself up before knocking on the door, preparing for a hard conversation. If Hyunjin had taught him anything about himself over their time together, it was that honesty was always the best place to start. And if he was being honest, he needed to know where Hyunjin’s head was at. 

Minho opened the door mere seconds after he knocked, but looked surprised to find that it was Jisung standing in the doorway. “Oh,” he said. “It’s you.”

“Ouch,” Jisung laughed. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Minho explained with a smile. “I was just expecting someone else. Come on in.”

Jisung stepped into the apartment, shedding his jacket as he looked around the living room. Jeongin was perched on the couch, a manga in one hand and a glass of juice in the other. Jisung thought he could hear Seungmin and Hyunjin’s voices floating in from Hyunjin’s bedroom, but he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying.

“Who were you expecting?” he asked. 

Minho frowned for a moment, but before he could speak the bedroom door opened. Seungmin emerged from the room with a flourish of his arms, looking ferociously pleased with himself. 

“I have outdone myself this time!” he boomed. “I present to you- wait, what is Jisung doing here?”

His eyes grew wide, looking from Minho to Jeongin as though they would answer him. 

“Hi,” Jisung laughed, offering a small wave. “I came to see if Hyunjin wanted to get dinner together.”

“No can do,” Seungmin said with a wave of his hand. 

Jisung tried to ignore how that stung, but he didn’t have much time to think over it because Seungmin was still talking.

“As I was saying, I present to you all-” Seungmin yelled as Jeongin started drumming in his lap, growing in volume as the swung open once more. “ _Date-night-Hyunjin_!”

Jisung heard his words but couldn’t seem to comprehend, not until Hyunjin stepped into the living room. 

He was wearing a white dress shirt, but Jisung was pretty sure nobody could go to work with a top that sheer. He could make out the curves of Hyunjin’s body through the fabric, firm with muscle and unfairly perfect. The leather pants were a nice touch, he had to admit, and for a moment he worried whether Hyunjin could breathe with how tightly they gripped his thighs. Even from the couch, Jisung could see that he was wearing a light dusting of makeup. Sparkling eyeshadow enhanced his eyes and a soft highlighter was glittering from his cheekbones, making his already striking face pretty much breathtaking.

Seungmin looked a little too happy with himself as he instructed Hyunjin to turn, showing off his outfit with a spin. He pointed out the work he had done with Hyunjin’s makeup, praising his own work without an inkling of shame. He also seemed to be sneaking peeks at Jisung, searching his face as Hyunjin laughed at Jeongin’s compliments. 

“You’re going to have an amazing time,” Minho said. “Jaeho is a great guy, you’ll love him.”

The reality of the situation slapped Jisung in the face. Hyunjin was going out on a date tonight, with another guy. _Wait,_ he thought to himself, _why did it matter if he was going out with another guy?_ Why was he thinking like that? He was embarrassed to find that his cheeks were on fire, his stomach turning over itself with fervor. 

Hyunjin finally looked over to Jisung, eyes a little sad. 

“Sorry, Jisung,” he said quietly. “We can get food another time.”

“Yeah, totally,” Jisung stuttered. “No problem. Yeah.”

Hyunjin swayed from foot to foot, looking a little uncomfortable at all the attention focused on him. 

“Ji, is there anything you want to say?” Seungmin prodded, looking strangely smug. It felt almost like he was goading him, fixing a stray hair on Hyunjin’s forehead for a second too long, but Jisung couldn’t form sentences properly. 

Hyunjin offered him a small smile. Jisung swallowed nervously. 

“You look beautiful,” he said. “Good luck. Not that you need it.”

There was a flash of sadness in Hyunjin’s eyes, but then his smile was back and someone was knocking at the door. 

Minho swing the door open, and Kim Jaeho stepped into the apartment. Jisung knew him, he was horrified to realize, because they volunteered together at the same youth center downtown. At six feet tall, he was a muscular but lithe dancer, and Jisung knew the way people dropped over him. He knew he was a good guy, actually similar to himself in a lot of ways, which somehow made it all feel even worse. He tried to ignore the slimy feeling of jealousy dripping down his throat as Hyunjin greeted him, smile wide. 

Hyunjin looked back at him, just once, as he walked toward the door. Jisung swallowed, words caught in his throat. 

As Hyunjin left the apartment, Jisung could feel his friends’ gazes on his back. He was biting down on his lip so hard he could taste the coppery flavor of blood in his mouth, and he felt like if he spent any more time on the couch, he’d never be able to get up again. He gathered his coat, turning down Minho’s offer of microwave ramen, and rushed to his car with the speed of somebody mortified. 

Seungmin glanced at Jeongin as their friend shut the door. He felt almost guilty at how brazenly they had dangled Hyunjin in front of Jisung- even though helping their friend move on was the plan, there was something about the way that Jisung had followed his every move with a pained smile that made Seungmin feel a little bad for making his friend look so good for the date. 

“He looked fucking heartsick,” Jeongin finally said. Minho sighed, but didn’t disagree.

“He looked so sad I almost wanted to pull Hyunjin back into the bedroom and try to make him look ugly,” Seungmin admitted. “But we all know that’s a futile effort. Hyunjin always looks nice.”

“He does,” Minho said. “Damn him and his bone structure.” 

✩ ✩ ✩

_Jisung [7:02 PM]: Kim’s Place at eight_

_Jisung [7:02 PM]: please come_

He sent a text to his original group chat, and although his friends were a little confused as to why Hyunjin, Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin weren’t invited, Jisung insisted that he just wanted to spend more time with his Day-1’s. After all, he thought bitterly, Hyunjin was _busy_. 

It was starting to become clearer to him what was going on, but he wanted to talk it over with his friends. After all, when Ellie mentioned she was hanging out with one of her film friends, it hadn’t phased him at all. But the idea of Hyunjin going out, looking like _that_ , with another guy touching him? He felt dizzy. 

His friends arrived shortly after him, entering the diner with loud laughs. They had barely crowded back into their booth at Kim’s Place before Chan was trying to flag down a waiter to put in an order for some strong coffee, complaining about how finals was keeping him at the library even longer than usual. After bickering lightly over what they should get for dinner, Felix seemed to pick up on Jisung’s mood. 

“Why didn’t you order anything, Ji?” he asked. “They have cheesecake french toast now!”

Normally, he would be frothing at the mouth for that order, and they all knew it. Changbin looked up at his roommate, tilting his head to the side like he was trying to read his mind.

“I know,” Jisung said. “I’m just feeling frustrated today,”

Chan frowned, setting his triple espresso down. “What do you mean?”

“My aunt used to have this weird saying,” Jisung said with a small smile. “That sometimes everything goes to _hell in a handbasket_.”

“A handbasket?” Felix mused. “Are you suggesting that the devil is fashionable?” 

“Do they not have regular handbags in hell?” Changbin asked. “Is that why it’s a basket?” 

“It’s a figure of spee-” Jisung started to say.

“Well, who said Satan can’t be sassy?” Felix countered. “If anything, I feel like he’s probably super cranky. You know, being overheated just makes you feel annoyed and there’s so much fire in hell that-” 

“Can we _please_ focus?” Chan said. “Ji, what’s up?”

“Look,” he forced out. “Can I talk to you guys about something?”

“You’re finally going to stop dressing like a toddler?” Felix teased. When Jisung didn’t immediately banter back, he sat up, looking at him more intently. “Oh, you were serious. Yeah, of course. Shoot.”

There was a beat of uncomfortable silence, all of his friends looking at him with patient eyes. He fiddled with the ring on his right hand, gripping his own fingers to the point that his knuckles were whitening. He tried to clear his throat, but it felt like he was swallowing sandpaper. 

“Okay,” he croaked out. “Imagine for a moment that you’re me-”

“Well-” Changbin sighed.

“Yeah, I know,” Jisung chuckled. “It sucks.”

Changbin pushed him playfully. “Not what I meant.”

There was another beat of silence, then Chan asked,“What about being you?”

“I don’t even really know how to say it.” Jisung admitted. He shifted in his seat, wringing his hands. 

“You can tell us anything, you know that,” Felix said. He leaned forward, giving his friend’s side a squeeze. “We won’t judge, promise.”

“How d-did you know…” Jisung stuttered. A beat of silence, then, “Um, know that you…”

His friends waited, looking confused. 

“ _How did you know you liked guys?_ ” he blurted out. 

Chan’s eyes blew open wide, and Felix slowly set down his drink. Jisung was embarrassed to notice that Changbin simply nodded to himself, looking completely unfazed.

“Um, okay,” Felix said. “Wow.”

“Nevermind,” Jisung rushed out. “Forget I said any-”

“No, Ji,” Chan reassured. “You’re totally fine, we were just surprised you said it.”

“Uh,” Jisung paused. “But you’re not surprised that I’m asking about it?”

His friends glanced at each other, then Felix gently offered, “I mean, there were moments when we thought you might be feeling a little conflicted?”

“Conflicted?” Jisung chuckled darkly. “That’s a fucking understatement. Try ‘ _confused out of my mind’_.”

“Think about it this way,” Changbin offered. “How did you ‘know’ you were straight?”

Jisung paused. He tapped his fingers on the side of his mug, coffee growing colder by the moment. 

“Um, I don’t know?” he finally acknowleged. “I’ve just always dated girls, I guess? In high school my mom would joke about how I never brought any girls home to meet her, so I asked my friend to go to homecoming with me that year and I guess she just became my girlfriend until I graduated.”

Chan leaned forward. “Where is this coming from, Ji?”

“I just feel so weird about going with Ellie to the US,” he admitted, shifting uncomfortably. “And I haven't really been looking forward to spending time with her at all? I literally forgot our anniversary.”

Changbin leaned forward, leaning his elbows on the table. Chan tried to knock them off the countertop, but Changbin ignored him. 

“Okay,” his roommate said. “Well, how do you _feel_ about Ellie?”

“She’s great,” Jisung insisted. “Like, she’s beautiful, smart, funny- and I enjoy being around her. She’s literally my dream girl come to life.”

“She’s definitely perfect on paper,” Chan said, tone neutral. “And you know we all love Ellie.” 

“Let me ask you this,” Changbin coaxed. “How would you feel if Ellie kissed someone else?”

Jisung opened his mouth to say _hurt_ or _sad_ or _betrayed_ , but what came out was, “Relieved.” 

His friends shared a knowing look, and Felix leaned forward. “Do you _want_ her?” 

“What?” 

“Like, physically.” Chan explained. “You’ve been together for so long, but you don’t really seem to be very _into_ her, like that?”

“Not really.” Jisung admitted. “I like her the same way that I like all of my friends. I kind of thought that’s how everybody else felt, too? That you just feel the same way about your girlfriend as you do your other friends. I figured that since she’s a girl, that was enough to mean we should be dating if I liked her as much as I liked all of you?” 

Changbin nodded sagely. Jisung wondered how long he had been so very obvious to his friends. 

“But, I’ve never wanted a guy any differently either? I mean, not until…”

There was a beat of silence, then two. Finally, Jisung looked up at his friends. 

“ _Fuck_.” he said simply. “What do I do?” 

“You don’t have to _do_ anything right now, Ji,” Felix said. “Just take some time to think about how you’re feeling, and what you want your life to look like.”

“I’m supposed to leave for the US on the fifteenth of this month,” he said. “That’s only two weeks. _Two weeks_! I need to figure everything out before then, I feel like my brain is melting.”

“It’s okay if the Great Plan gets some revisions,” Changbin reassured. “You deserve to be yourself. You just need to be sure about how you’re feeling, and you need to be honest with Ellie. It’s not fair to her for you to string her along, if you’re not all in.”

“You know we love you no matter what, Ji,” Chan said. “And you deserve to love yourself, too.”

✩ ✩ ✩

Jisung left the diner with new fire in his veins. 

Almost without thinking, he found himself driving to Hyunjin’s apartment. He knew he was probably still out, but he didn’t mind waiting for him. How good could the date have gone, anyway? He knew Hyunjin, and just going out to dinner and a movie was so cliche. He should get to go to the dance showcase that was coming to town in June, with breakdancers and modern dance experts that would blow his mind and energize his own work. He should go see the new psychological thriller that came out, but only on the drive-in because that was the best way to see a movie. He should go downtown, visit the new bubble tea shop that opened. It was animal themed, and he knew Hyunjin would be so excited to see all the polaroids that lined the walls, kittens and puppies and rabbits looking up at him. 

If he was being honest, these were all places that Jisung had wanted to take him. He could see it so much clearer now, after talking with his friends, how his original summer itinerary was really just a list of dates he thought Hyunjin would like. He needed to be brave, to speak up for what he really wanted. 

He parked his car, turning the key to kill the ignition. He gave himself a few moments to freak out a little, to be anxious, before pushing it down and getting ready to go up to his door. He was still sitting in his car, going over the things that he wanted to say, when he noticed two very pretty boys turn the corner on the sidewalk, coming toward the complex. After a moment, he realized that the boy standing at his side was Hyunjin. And, wait- were they holding hands?

_That couldn’t be right_ , he thought to himself. He got out of his car, followed them through the complex toward Hyunjin’s floor. As he finished climbing the stairwell, he peeked his head out around the corner. He saw the boy and Hyunjin standing in front of Hyunjin’s apartment door, talking to each other quietly. Right as he was about to step into the hallway, call out his name- the boy leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to Hyunjin’s mouth. 

The moment he felt part of himself shatter deep inside, he knew he was right about how he was feeling. 

“I wish I never met you,” he whispered, but he knew nobody could hear him from so far away. He also knew he was lying out of his ass, trying to will the feeling of heartbreak away so that it couldn’t hurt him. He was alone, though, just like his family had always warned he would be. 

God, the date had gone _well_? He had never even considered that, thought for sure that Hyunjin would have seen right through a cliche evening with a guy he barely knew. But he must have been wrong. Jaeho guy was probably smart, smarter than him, and funny, too. Hyunjin needed somebody funny, somebody that would make his eyes light up when he laughed. He probably gave him butterflies, the kind that made your stomach turn like you were riding a roller coaster in the blistering summer heat. 

This boy, someone who wasn’t Jisung, he would be the one that made him happy. Hyunjin would have a pretty boyfriend that made him laugh and wasn’t afraid to bring him flowers at dance competitions and helped him study for his psych exams with kisses instead of cookies. He would be able to be all the things Jisung hadn’t, and deep down a part of himself was relieved that Hyunjin was at least happy. Even if it felt like Jisung was breaking. 

For a moment, he wondered if this was how Hyunjin had been feeling all this time. Jisung wasn’t stupid- he saw the way Hyunjin looked at him sometimes, the way his pupils dialated when Jisung leaned in to hug him after a long day. He knew he probably was feeling something too, even if it wasn’t as strong as the feelings Jisung was having. God, how had he been able to watch him with Ellie, to be so supportive and kind when he was picking her over him, day after day? 

Seeing Hyunjin with someone else was so bizarre, an out of body experience that left him with conflicting feelings. On one hand, he hurt, but on the other he wondered if this was how things were supposed to happen. _Follow the plan, follow the plan._ Maybe it was good that he was leaving soon, that he would be in America in two weeks and he wouldn’t have to see Hyunjin every day. He didn’t think he’d survive it, existing in the same space as somebody he was desperate for, somebody that he couldn’t have.

If anyone deserved the entire world, it was Hyunjin. 

Jisung made his way back to his car with hands shaking so violently he could barely unlock his door. He pulled his seatbelt on aggressively, fighting back tears as he adjusted his mirror out of habit. He was about to pull out of the parking lot when his phone lit up with a text.

_Hyunjin [10:32PM]: I missed you today_

His hand stilled on the steering wheel. Slowly, as though he was afraid his hands might shatter, he picked up his phone. 

_Jisung [10:33PM]: I thought you had a date_

The next ten second felt like ten years. 

_Hyunjin [10:33PM]: I did_

_Hyunjin [10:33PM]: It sucked_

Jisung killed the engine.

_Jisung [10:33PM]: that bad?_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: he took me to see a boring movie_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: and then we had mediocre alfredo_

_Jisung [10:34PM]: everyone knows you prefer the red sauce with your pasta_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: he tried to hold my hand but his hands were huge_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: and I tried to make a joke about giants walking on the earth_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: he did not laugh_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: and he kissed like a dead fish_

_Hyunjin [10:34PM]: it was so bad, Ji_

Jisung laughed out loud at that. So it hadn’t gone as well as it looked? God, if anyone should know that appearances aren’t always the full story, it was Jisung. He thought of the way everyone looked at him and Ellie, the “perfect couple”. 

Yeah, appearances can be deceiving. 

_Hyunjin [10:35PM]: I really wanted it to go well, but_

_Hyunjin [10:35PM]: I would’ve had more fun with you_

Jisung looked up at the apartment complex, trying to spot the window that connected to Hyunjin and Minho’s apartment. He was hoping to spot him sitting in the windowsill, looking out at the night sky with longing. But this wasn’t a movie, and all Jisung could see was row after row of closed windows with curtains drawn shut. 

_Jisung [10:36PM]: how tired are you_

_Hyunjin [10:36PM]: not tired at all_

_Hyunjin [10:36PM]: why?_

_Jisung [10:36PM]: I’m in the parking lot._

_Jisung [10:36PM]: let’s do something fun_

_Jisung [10:36PM]: to make up for your shitty date_

Jisung didn’t have to be in the room to know that Hyunjin was smiling. 

_Hyunjin [10:37PM]: gimme five_

✩ ✩ ✩

Thirty minutes later, Jisung found himself standing outside the house of a senior who clearly had a trust fund and parents that didn’t care too much. There were cups littering the lawn, and even from the street he could hear the music seeping through the front door as a crowd of college students filled the large home. House parties weren’t usually his thing, but somehow Hyunjin had talked him into it. Hyunjin could talk him into pretty much anything, he thought. 

A couple of Jisung’s friends from his major were there, cheering when they realized who had walked through the door. He rarely went out, much too focused on his GPA and resume to let loose very often, so everyone seemed pretty excited to see him. He introduced Hyunjin to his friends, a blur of names and faces, and before he knew it he had a drink in one hand and Hyunjin’s own palm in his other.   
  


It was all really overwhelming, the heavy bass booming throughout the house and multicolor lights dancing across the walls. He thought he recognized the song, a remix of some top 40s pop tune, but everything else about the environment felt unfamiliar. 

Everyone on campus knew Jisung, thought of him as one of the kings of campus, but knew that he didn’t party. He hung out with his friends on weekends and would hit up a bar with friends sometimes, but he never came to the house parties. So now, seeing him by Hyunjin’s side, people were very interested in his presence. 

The crowd was crippling in its intensity, every pair of eyes adding to the heat beating down against him. He wondered how other people did it, how they navigated the labyrinth of voices and screams and excited giggles that came with a house party. To him it’s all just chaos, the kind that makes hands shake and puts a lump in the throat. 

Just as he started to wonder if he made a mistake going out that night, he felt Hyunjin giving his hand a soft squeeze. He looked over his shoulder, checking in with Jisung, who gave him a small nod. 

Hyunjin was safe, in a way that he never knew that people could be. He was quiet afternoons and good books, long monologues that tugged at the heart. He was a constant friend, never wavering in his support or enthusiasm. And now, Hyunjin was the hand guiding him through a crowd at a party, a piece of home in a stranger’s house 

“Can I get you something else to drink?” Hyunjin half-yelled over the music. 

“Yes, please!” Jisung laughed, the sound getting washed away with the bass. “I don’t think I can handle a party like this sober.”

“Sure you can!” Hyunjin insisted, even as he reached down to pull a pair of beers out of the cooler. He popped the top off on the edge of the counter, offering it to Jisung. He took it gratefully. 

They spent the first hour making the rounds, Hyunjin introducing Jisung to some of the other party-goers. A couple of people asked if Ellie was with them, which left a sour taste in his mouth. All of Hyunjin’s friends, however, insisted that they knew who Jisung was before the introductions ( _“Even if you weren’t the campus crush,”_ one of Hyunjin’s psych classmates. _“We’d know who you are just by how damn much he talks about you.”_ ). 

By the time the clock hit midnight, Jisung was sweaty and a little over all the noise. Hyunjin seemed to notice this without even having to ask, guiding him with one hand gently placed on his lower back as he guided them to the backyard.

They stepped onto the lawn, sky inky black with only a small spattering of stars visible through all the pollution in the air. Hyunjin guided him to the far right side of the backyard, away from some of the other students that were drinking on the patio. They came up to a small backyard pond, clearly man-made by someone who had no experience with lawn care. 

Jisung sat down on one of the rocks at the edge of the pond. There’s no way that any actual fish could be living in it, judging by the color of the water, and Jisung was pretty sure he saw some bottle caps sinking to the dirt bottom on the other side. A closer inspection revealed that the lily pads floating on the surface of the murky water were, in fact, made of plastic. Hyunjin giggled, snatching one from the pond and throwing one across the lawn like a frisbee. A girl across the lawn screamed when the slimy plastic hit the side of her leg, and Jisung had to cover his mouth to keep his laughter from giving them away. 

Jisung finished two beers by the time Hyunjin finally grew bored of teasing their fellow partiers, choosing instead to sit on one of the other large stones around the pond. He chose the one next to Jisung, bumping him on the shoulder as he sat down. 

“Having fun?” he asked. 

“I am,” Jisung said with a smile. “I didn’t think I would enjoy this so much.”

“So little faith in me!” Hyunjin said dramatically. 

“I don’t usually like parties,” Jisung admitted, and Hyunjin pretended to swoon from the betrayal. “You made this one fun though.”

Hyunjin’s smile was so big his eyes turned to crescents on his face. 

“There is one thing we haven’t done yet, though,” Jisung said. “That i feel like is kind of a requirement when you go to a party.”

“Body shots?” Hyunjin teased, eyes twinkling. 

_“No,”_ Jisung shoved his side, laughter spilling out. “Dancing.”

“You want to dance?” Hyunjin asked. “We can make that happen! I’m a great teacher.”

He got Jisung up from his seat with one tug, pulling him to his feet. 

“Let’s go!” 

The living room had been transformed into a makeshift dance floor, furniture haphazardly pushed back to the walls. A small pin prick feeling of guilt crawled up the back of Jisung’s neck, but he chased it away with another shot. The bass was booming, vibrating in his veins as Jisung took a cautious step toward Hyunjin. His friend rolled his eyes, immediately gripping his hips and pulling him forward. 

“Don’t overthink it!” Hyunjin yelled over the song.

They danced like that, pressed close and yet still too far apart, until the bassline of the music matched the thump of their hearts. Jisung couldn’t remember the last time he had danced like this, unconcerned with the way people watched him as he threw his head back and laughed. 

Hyunjin covered him completely, cloaking him in the smell of sweat and cologne like an eclipse. The LED lights cast untraceable figures across their faces, the colors reflecting in Hyunjin’s eyes with pops of pink against the brown of his irises. Jisung could feel the gentle weight of his hand resting against the base of his spine, pulling him impossibly closer. This was unlike anything he had ever felt before, with anyone. There was a sheen of sweat on his neck and the unmistakable smell of alcohol on his breath, but Jisung was transfixed. 

“You’re so pretty,” he said. 

Hyunjin’s eyes lit up, a blush creeping up his neck. Jisung was worried that maybe he was crossing a line, leaning in the way he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. The electric feeling of youth was buzzing in his veins, and all at once he felt invincible and new and _wanted_. 

Hyunjin pressed their foreheads together, and Jisung closed his eyes. Being this close to Hyunjin was a swoop in his stomach, the feeling of sticking your feet out the window of a car and wind rushing through your hair. Even if it’s just for right now, he wanted to give himself the permission to just follow his heart. He’ll deal with the fallout later

“I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want,” Hyunjin said, even as Jisung was leaning in. He opened his eyes to find that Hyunjin’s were dark, and he looked conflicted. “If you don’t want to dance, we can stop, go outside again or something. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

“That’s the problem,” Jisung admitted with a shaky breath. “I do want you to.” 

He was struck, then, with the unmistakable urge to run away. He imagined taking Hyunjin’s hand, piling into his car and driving away with the whole night completely limitless. He wanted to take the suitcase he had bought and fill it with sweaters, to move somewhere with snow and cabins. He wanted to throw his phone into the ocean, hit the gas, and drop off the face of the earth. He wondered, if he finally just clothed himself in everything Hyunjin, would he forget what it was like to live his suffocating life?

“You’re gorgeous right now,” Hyunjin said, breaking his concentration. “Like this, I mean. Just letting yourself relax and have fun.”

Sweat dripped down the left side of his brow, sliding to his lips where he could taste the salt on his lips. He was pretty sure he had stepped on the sticky residue left behind by some orange juice somebody had bought as a mixer and he probably smelled like beer, but for the first time in his life, Jisung agreed. He felt gorgeous.

“Thank you,” Jisung said, words breathy. 

He stepped closer, closing the gap between their bodies with half a second of bravery. Jisung found himself gripping Hyunjin’s hips, skin warm under his hands as they swayed to the beat. 

Maybe Hyunjin was right. Maybe the only way for Jisung to become the person he was supposed to be would be to let go of the perfect vision he had created his whole life. Maybe he should let it all blow up in his face, let the supernova explode. 

He wanted to glow. 

He wasn’t sure how it happened, but the next thing he knew, he and Hyunjin were in the back of an Uber. Their driver was kindly pretending not to notice how horribly drunk they were, giggling over each other and trying not to sway as they exited the car in front of Jisung’s apartment complex. 

They stumbled up the stairs, the two minute walk taking about ten minutes between their laughter and tripping over their own shadows. Hyunjin pulled Jisung upright, encouraging him to take the final steps to his doorway. It took an embarrassingly long time for Jisung to find the key to open his front door ( _“Ji, you only have three keys on there-” / “I know, but they look the same!”_ ). 

They walked into the quiet apartment with a crash, tossing keys to the side. Jisung was overcome with what he took as a stroke of brilliance, pulling Hyunjin toward the kitchen. 

“Jinnie,” he slurred. “Hotteoks, we need to make hotteoks. Oh my god, I’m a genius.”

Hyunjin halted before Jisung could pull him in fully. Jisung was unfazed, moving forward to try and find a pan and some oil in his drunken stupor.

“That’s a horrible idea,” Hyunjin laughed. “You’re drunk!” 

“No, _you’re_ drunk!” Jisung yelled. 

He conceded, though, and wandered out of the kitchen. They burst into laughter, tumbling over each other as they tried to take their shoes off. Changbin wasn’t in the living room, and Jisung was surprised to find that he was relieved. He didn’t want to have to explain the whole Ellie fiasco again, not when he was finally having some fun.

He peeled off his overshirt, stripping down to the tank top, stuck to his back with sweat. He could hear Changbin in the back of his head telling him to _be honest_ _,_ but he didn’t want to think about that right now. He was too buzzed. 

He was on the couch, then, although he was pretty sure he was standing just a second ago. His shirt had gotten stretched out over the course of the night, one of his shoulders exposed to the air in a way that made him shiver a bit. Hyunjin must have noticed, because he tossed a blanket over him. Jisung’s brain noted that it was his favorite fuzzy throw, the one they had bought together at a boutique downtown after a coffee run. 

Hyunjin settled on the other side of the couch, but Jisung thought that was much too far away. He scooted over, adding his own sound effects, until they were side by side. Jisung nuzzled under the blanket, laughing when Hyunjin’s hair stuck up with the static, just like the first time they had met. He could hardly believe how long ago that night had been, how easily Hyunjin had settled into his life. He found himself gently stroking the older boy’s hair back down, brushing it into place with tender pressure.

“Jisung,” Hyunjin spoke under his breath. “Tell me a secret.”

“Here it is,” Jisung said, looking very serious. He paused for dramatic effect, then whispered, “I’m _drunk_.”

Hyunjin pushed him with a roll of his eyes.“That’s not a secret.”

Jisung let out a booming laugh, letting his head roll back. “It’s really not, is it?”

“If it makes you feel better,” Hyunjin giggled. “I’m drunk, too.”

Jisung nodded, pleased that he wasn’t the only one with a head that was spinning. He tilted his head, trying to figure out how they had gotten home without getting hit by a truck. He didn’t remember getting into the car, but Hyunjin must have ordered the ride for them. He had tripped in the street at one point, sure, but Hyunjin had pulled him up from the asphalt with firm hands and a bright smile that completely overshadowed the stinging of his scraped knee. He vaguely remembered trying to convince him to run away with him to the beach, but the taller boy had just smiled fondly and pulled up the Uber app. He had muttered something, under his breath, about getting home safely. About “ _precious cargo_ ”.

“You have a secret you’ve been keeping,” Hyunjin whispered. 

His finger ghosted over Jisung’s shoulder, fingertips cold against his skin. Jisung was surprised to find that it felt nice, his own skin still warm from all the soju. He watched as Hynjin’s smile softened, turning into a focused look of determination under a thin haze of drunkenness. 

“Tell me,” Hyunjin leaned in, interrupting his thoughts. “Please. I need to hear you say it.”

He stopped just short of touching him again, and Jisung was confused to find that his head was buzzing a little differently. All at once, the mood shifted from lighthearted to ferociously serious. Was it possible to sober up, that quickly? Jisung felt his cheeks burn, but he found himself speaking. 

“I feel different about you,” he whispered. He closed his eyes, tried desperately to slow his heartbeat. It seemed to be a futile effort.

“That’s my secret,” Jisung continued. “It’s different from how I feel about my other friends.”

“Good.”

His eyes fluttered open, wondering if he had imagined the response. He could feel Hyunjin’s breath hot on his face, but the older boy didn’t say anything else. He just looked at him, seemingly searching his eyes for the answer to an unspoken question. 

“What’s your secret, Hyunjin?” he asked, before he could stop himself. 

Hyunjin hovered over him, fingers wrapped around Jisung’s wrists like a switchblade on a vein. He knew one wrong move and Hyunjin could carve him open, peek inside and see all the terrible ugly sides of himself that he'd desperately tried to hide away. Jisung didn’t want to expose the ways that he hurt, the broken parts that never seemed to fit back together, not after spending his whole life hearing how he needed to measure up. He had spent so many years feeling less than, feeling like he needed to work harder to prove himself as somebody that was worthy. But there was something about the pressure on his wrist, something about the soft look in Hyunjin’s eyes that made him want to finally open up. To bleed, unafraid. 

Jisung sat up abruptly, dizzy with want, and tried to count the freckles on Hyunjin’s shoulders. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this, had wanted something so badly that it completely clouded his vision and made the hairs on his arms stand up straight. He knew this was the feeling he had been chasing for years, been hoping for, been seeing in movies that he could never quite relate to. 

He knew he was drunk. He knew Hyunjin was drunk. But he also knew he wanted this, wanted _him_ , and maybe he always had. How could he have been blind for so long? How could he have ever, even for a moment, thought he could be happy without this feeling in his life?

Just as he was ready to let go, fingers on the soft dip of Hyunjin’s hip, his phone lit up with a text from Ellie. He and Hyunjin both turned, saw the text before they could convince themselves to look away. 

_Ellie [2:47AM]: can we talk?_

It felt like a cord had snapped.

Hyunjin leaned back as if burned, shifting so that he was sitting on the other end of the couch again. Jisung looked up at him, a little confused by the sudden shift in mood but too drunk to properly assess the situation immediately. After a few moments, his brain caught up to him. _Ellie_ , he thought. _Oh my god, I can't do this to Ellie._

“I think,” Hyunjin said softly. “You need to call your girlfriend.”

And there it was, the elephant in the room. The guilt crept back up Jisung’s back, closing its fingers around his throat. The heavy weight settled back onto his shoulders as Hyunjin got off the couch quickly, pulling the blanket from where it had fallen to the floor and tossing it over Jisung. 

Jisung wondered how everything had gotten so messy. Everything had been going swimmingly, if a little suffocating, until Hyunjin crashed into his life like a wave. He felt the current pulling at his feet, threatening to pull him under, and he found himself wanting to submit to the riptide. He didn’t want to keep thinking, he wanted to _feel_.

Regardless, Jisung knew Hyunjin was right, so he sighed and nodded. He heard Hyunjin rush to put his shoes on, the slam of the door as he hurried out the door ringing out in the night just as he closed his eyes. 

It wasn’t until years later, when Jisung was much older, smarter, and more in tune with his own feelings, that he would realize that was the night he had fully fallen in love with Hyunjin. For now, he just laid on his couch, half-drunk and dizzy from a night dancing so close to somebody he wasn’t allowed to touch.


	6. prepare for takeoff

✩ ✩ ✩

**May 2nd**

Jisung woke up to a pounding headache, more hungover than he had ever been in his life.

He heard Changbin come into the apartment and slowly close the door behind him. He was shuffling around the kitchen, clearly trying to stay quiet to not disturb his roommate. He heard a spoon mixing against glass, and the soft sound of clinking helped him slowly blink awake. He looked to his right to find that Changbin had placed a trash can on the floor by couch, and he felt a strong surge of affection for his friend. This was followed by an even stronger urge to vomit.

“Binnie-hyung?” he croaked. 

Changbin looked up, surprised that Jisung was functional. 

“I can’t see past the fireworks exploding behind my eyes,” he groaned. “I think I’m dead.”

Changbin snorted. “You’re not dead, you’re just hungover.”

He placed a glass on the coffee table, tucked the blanket under Jisung’s chin. “I made you my hangover cure.”

Jisung hurriedly took a sip, only to gag embarrassingly loud. 

“What’s  _ in _ this?” he sputtered.

“It’s an old family recipe,” Changbin explained. “When I saw how bad off you were, I texted the family group chat-”

“I can’t believe you have a family group chat.”

“-and noona sent it to me this morning. I was just out at the market getting everything- it’s got raisin extract, milk thistle, red ginseng, and Korean pear juice.” 

Jisung gagged again, but Changbin pushed it towards him. 

“Don’t be a big baby,” Changbin chided. “Just plug your nose and get it down, I swear you’ll feel better in no time. This drink is the only reason I made it the day after my high school graduation.”

Jisung extended his arms, making grabby-hands at Changbin. His friend rolled his eyes, but complied with the request by joining him on the couch. Changbin muttered something into his arm that sounded suspiciously like “ _you stink_ ” but Jisung cuddled into his lap anyway, leaning up to take a sip of concoction every few minutes. Somehow, he only gagged again once.

When Jisung finally finished the drink, he settled into his roommate's lap. He was embarrassed to find that he did in fact feel a bit better with the mysterious liquid in his stomach, and he let out a despondent sigh. Changbin rolled his eyes, but brushed his hair back with a softness that betrayed his affection. 

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked. “You smell like a raccoon drowned itself in vodka.”

“You flatter me,” Jisung muttered. “Such a way with words.”

He closed his eyes, pressing his fingers to his temples. How could his head be pounding that much? Changbin flicked him on the forehead, albeit gently enough to not completely kill his hungover friend. 

“I fucked up, hyung,” he admitted. “I forgot about Ellie and I’s anniversary.”

“Ouch.” 

“I know,” Jisung said. “And then I was beating myself up over it, and Hyunjin took me to a party to help distract me for a bit. It was so fun- which you know is weird for me since I usually hate parties- but I guess I just got so drunk I don’t even remember getting home?”

“You got back around two thirty,” Changbin offered. “I was in my room, but I heard you yell about trying to order cookies at some point.”

“I remember bits and pieces,” he said thoughtfully. “Hyunjin was putting a blanket over me, and I remember his face was close to mine, and I was so dizzy, and-”

He remembered sitting by the pond in some guy’s backyard, the sounds of a party bleeding into the night. 

“I can’t believe we’ve known each other less than a year,” Hyunjin had said. 

Jisung remembered nodding, remembered talking about their adventures at drive-in movies and karaoke. He remembered getting high and watching documentaries and arguing over superior animes. He remembered late night runs to find the best hot chocolate in town. He remembered so much. 

He remembered afternoons in the dance studio, watching Hyunjin practice for a showcase with enough vigor that the mirrors fogged over. He remembered color-coding all of Hyunjin’s record collection, putting his favorites on as they relaxed in his room. He remembered Hyunjin coming by almost every afternoon just to say hi, give Cera a pet, and very obviously slip a different book from Jisung bookshelf, or return one he had taken the week before. 

He remembered bringing up his trip to the US, how Hyunjin would break eye contact every time. He remembered going out to a party the night before, because he hated seeing Hyunjin unhappy and couldn’t bear the idea of him going to bed sad after a shitty date. 

He paused, swallowed nervously. 

He remembered dancing, bodies pressed close together. He very clearly remembered wanting him. He remembered how Hyunjin had cradled his cheek, leaned in, and then his phone had lit up. He remembered Ellie texting him. 

“Then I heard Hyunjin leave,” Changbin said. “He texted me, asked me to check on you every hour to make sure you were alright.”

Jisung’s chest tightened. “I remember feeling overwhelmed,” he said. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You know what I mean.” 

Changbin hummed in understanding. He reached out to his friend, placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. For a moment he was worried Jisung might start crying, but he just sighed heavily. He looked more tired that Changbin could remember seeing him, and that was saying something for someone so involved on campus. 

“Why don’t you rest for today,” Changbin said gently. “You can call Ellie when you’re feeling better. Just be gentle with yourself.”

✩ ✩ ✩

**May 5**

The days before their plane was set to take off, Jisung and Ellie spent every evening together. They prepared for the trip half-heartedly- Ellie was buzzing with energy when she talked about her film projects, the people she’d get to meet, but whenever Jisung would ask a question about where they were staying or what kind of day trips they should take together, her eyes dulled a bit. 

“Well, what have you put on the itinerary?” she asked. The only light in the room came from a lamp on her desk and the bright screen of her google doc, casting shadows on her face, but Jisung could tell from her tone that she was expectant. 

Jisung shrugged. “I figured we could play it by ear.”

“You don’t have a plan?” Ellie looked confused, sitting back from her computer. “Seriously?”

Jisung blinked back at her. “What?”

“You’re not acting like yourself,” Ellie said. “I’ve known you for over a year, and I’ve never heard of you planning for a trip without, well,  _ planning _ .”

Jisung stilled, halfway through folding a pair of socks. Was she being serious? He tried to think of himself, a year ago, of the person that Ellie had fallen for. It was true, he knew, that he was always on top of plans back then. For the past few months, though, he’d spent more time without overthinking, more time with his friends. His grades were just as good, but he didn’t feel that overwhelming pressure to perform at a hundred percent, every moment of every day. He was reading about museums again, even thinking about a trip to the Seoul Museum of Art when he got back from the US. Maybe she was right, his behavior was certainly different. If anything, though, he felt more  _ himself _ than he had in his life.

He was struck with the image of a caterpillar, how they would coat themselves to hide away in a cocoon until they felt ready to emerge as a butterfly. That was such a gentle process, taking time to grow and emerge anew. It wasn’t quite the same, he thought- he felt more radical, more sharp. He felt more like a snake shedding its skin. He imagined leaving his old self behind, reborn as a newer, truer version of himself. 

“Is it a bad thing, if I’m changing?” he asked. 

“It’s not,” she said. “Not if you’re becoming who you’re really supposed to be.”

Ellie paused, looking at him with an intensity he wasn’t used to from the normally jovial redhead. She seemed to be trying to see inside him, pick through his brain. She stayed silent for a few more moments, but then sighed and closed her laptop with a knowing smile on her face. 

“I’ll make us breakfast in the morning, Sung,” she finally said. “I think there’s some things we need to talk about.”

He nodded, opened his mouth to respond, but Ellie continued. 

“You know I love you, right?” she asked. “No matter what.”

Jisung raised an eyebrow. “I know, El.”

He was about to ask what she meant, but she just hopped over to her bed with a soft grin. She settled into his arms easily, starting a documentary on his laptop about American culture. Even long after she had drifted to sleep, Jisung stayed wide awake, wondering.

✩ ✩ ✩

When Jisung woke up, the first thing he noticed was that Ellie was no longer in bed with him. The spot where she usually slept, tucked under his arm, was long cold. He sat up, rubbing his eyes in the rough way Felix always fussed at him about ( _ “You’re going to give yourself wrinkles,”  _ he would chastise.  _ “You’re too handsome for premature lines!” _ ).

He heard some footsteps in the kitchen, so he pulled on his hoodie and headed out of Ellie’s room. He found his girlfriend in an old camp t-shirt, cooking eggs on the stove. He smelled bacon, and couldn’t stop an embarrassingly loud grumble from escaping his stomach. Ellie turned, a soft smile on her face. 

“Morning, Ji.” she said. 

Jisung offered a small smile, taking a seat at one of the barstools. Ellie joined him soon after, two plates of breakfast in her hands. He could tell her energy was different- she was quieter this morning, more thoughtful. It was only after they had eaten- and Jisung had downed two cups of coffee- that they migrated to the couch. 

Ellie settled into one side of the couch, a plush cushion in her lap. Jisung noticed that she had given him a bit more distance than usual.

“When do you think it happened?” she said quietly. 

“What do you mean?” Jisung asked. But he knew what she meant.

“We haven’t been happy for a while,” Ellie said. “And now we’re breaking up, right?”

Jisung sighed, but nodded. There was a catch in his voice that he tried to chase away by clearing his throat. Ellie was always the stronger of the two of them- it made sense that she would have to be the one to end things, too. 

“I know that nothing I say could change your mind about this,” she said. “I feel like I’ve been living two lives, one here with you, and another with my friends and my film work. There’s so much…  _ space _ between us now. I’m not going to ask you to stay with me when you’re not in love with me, when you’re not all in.”

“Ellie,” he sighed. “I don’t know if I was  _ ever _ really all in, at least not the way that I should have been. Not the way that you deserve.”

She nodded, her eyes sad but understanding. Jisung could feel some tears welling up in his own, and he tried to pinpoint the moment they had fallen apart. He knew it wasn’t just Hyunjin- they had always been a little off, even before he had come into the picture. They had fun together, and the entire campus loved them together, but something had always been… missing. Hyunjin was just the final push he had needed to see everything clearly.

“Is it something I did?” Ellie asked, fixing him with an unreadable expression. 

At that, he felt his heart clench. “No,” he said. “You’re perfect, seriously. It’s not you.”

“Do you want to tell me  _ who _ it’s about, then?” she finally asked. 

He dropped his head into his hands. The fact that he was so easy to read made him feel embarrassed, and he tried to think of how to explain the past year of confusion but all that came out was, “I think I like guys, Ellie.”

He was surprised when she immediately pulled him into a hug.

“I’m proud of you, Ji,” she said. 

“You’re not pissed at me?” he mumbled into her shoulder, a little shocked. 

“I kind of suspected, to be honest.”

“Well, I wish someone had told  _ me _ !” Jisung said, jumping back. “At least before I dragged you along, before I disappointed you over and over. You have no idea how stressed I have been trying to figure this all out!”

She laughed, leaning in to give him another hug. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, turning it over so that he could see a photo Ellie’s friend had posted the evening before. There, in the corner of the photo, Jisung could see himself in the background. He was dancing with Hyunjin with stars in his eyes- even a fool could see he was mesmerized. He didn’t know what to say. Ellie, the steady light she had always been, continued for the both of them. 

“Us breaking up, it’s not your fault.” she said. “It’s not either of our faults- we can’t control how we feel. We just weren’t meant to be together like this. And Ji… it’s okay if you have feelings for Hyunjin.” 

He flinched. When he didn’t respond, she lifted his head so that he was looking at her.

“Ji, I know what it’s like to be scared,” she said. “Being biracial, I always felt like I was different from everyone else. When people look at me, they think they know who I am just by how I present myself to the world. I know getting mistaken as a foreigner isn’t the same thing as everyone assuming you’re straight, but in a small way, I think I can relate to that feeling of not feeling like you fit in a box. At least not the way you feel like you’re supposed to.”

When Jisung didn’t respond, she continued. 

“It’s not always easy to be yourself,” she offered. “But you’re being really brave. And I’m always going to support you, no matter who you love.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“I’ve seen you guys together,” she said simply. “At first, I didn’t know if I was just imagining the way you and Hyunjin looked at each other, because I know you’ve never dated a guy before, but it seemed  _ real _ . More real than you and me. I should have been jealous, honestly, but I wasn’t. I was actually kind of relieved. ” 

He leaned back, surprised. “What?”

“I don’t know that I was ever really all in, either,” she admitted. “I wanted to be, I  _ really _ did, because you’re amazing. You and I are both so ambitious, so focused, it makes so much sense for us to be together.”

She paused, braiding a section of auburn hair as she thought. 

“But these past few months,” she continued. “I’ve been so focused on my film work, and I was meeting all these different people and trying new things, and when we didn’t talk every night, I didn’t really mind. And I don’t think you minded either? I kind of realized that maybe I wasn’t really in love with you like I wanted to be. Every time I talked to you, you were with Hyunjin. You seemed happy.”

Jisung thought back to the night he and Hyunjin danced, drunk and laughing, and how easy it would have been to just lean in. He was relieved that he hadn’t pulled the trigger, hadn’t cheated on Ellie, but part of him felt like he might as well have with how strong his feelings were. A bright flash of shame struck him in the chest.

“I really didn’t deserve you Ellie.” he muttered. “I’m so sorry for being such a shitty boyfriend.”

She flicked him in the forehead, hard.

“ _ Ow _ !”

“Please don’t talk shit about my favorite ex,” she said. “He and I are still good friends.”

Jisung smiled in spite of himself. 

“I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend either,” she admitted. “I would literally forget to check in with you for days when I was working on my short film, even though I know you need consistency to feel secure. You just didn’t notice how I had been ghosting you because that was the week Hyunjin was working on choreography, so you were visiting him at the studio every night. Honestly, it all worked out like it was supposed to.”

“What do you mean? You think this is all part of some big plan?”

“You don’t?” She asked, eyebrows raised. 

Jisung shrugged, but Ellie looked unaffected by his apathy. 

“There has to be,” she said, sure of herself. “The galaxy has plans for all of us, we’re just too small to see them sometimes.”

“This is crazy,” he sighed. “We’re breaking up and you’re giving me advice about dating another  _ guy _ . This is crazy.” 

“There’s my eloquent friend,” Ellie laughed softly. “But yeah, maybe it’s a little crazy? But I’ve never felt like the kind of person who needs to conform to societal expectations.”

“No, you haven’t,” Jisung said, smile wistful. “That’s what I love about you, El. Truly.”

Jisung stretched his neck, looking to the ceiling and the pear-shaped stain that Ellie had affectionately named “Fred”.  _ What had he done to deserve a friend like her? _ he wondered. Fred looked back, unanswering.

Ellie slowly rose to her feet, Jisung following her. She collected a few of his things from her room, placed them in an old grocery bag for him to take home. She made a big show of changing his contact name to “Favorite Ex” with the heart-eyes emoji, poking him in the side until he laughed with her. 

She led him to the door, and it was only when he moved to take the step outside that she looked a little sad. 

“We’re going to be okay, right?” Ellie said. 

Jisung tilted his head. They weren’t meant to be together, not the way that they had both hoped, but there was never a moment that Jisung worried about not having Ellie in his life. 

“As if we could ever  _ not _ be friends,” Jisung laughed, pulling her in for another hug. “It sucks, obviously, but I’m sure we’re going to be okay. Probably more okay than we’ve been in a long time.”

“I just want you to know,” she said. “The offer to come to the US is still on the table.”

Jisung raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Ellie shrugged. “It might be kind of weird for you to watch me get hit on by handsome American film stars every day, but at least you’ll get a vacation.”

She winked at him, causing another flood of giggles from the both of them. Jisung left her apartment feeling lighter than he had in years, the distress and guilt from the past few months washing away. 

Now he just needed to fix things with Hyunjin.

✩ ✩ ✩

**May 14th**

Two weeks passed and every day, Jisung called. 

Hyunjin never picked up. 

He tried showing up to his apartment, but each time Minho had told him that his roommate was busy, eyes sad with something that Jisung couldn’t quite understand. At first it had frustrated him, but as the days passed, he started to doubt himself. 

_ Maybe this was the sign I was looking for _ , he thought to himself. For the first time in his life, he thought he might understand what love felt like. Maybe, it felt like letting someone go. 

He tried one last time, knocking on Hyunjin’s door with fervor. Again, Minho opened the door with sad eyes. He was pretty sure he heard other people in the apartment, but Minho just cracked the door shut a bit more and insisted he was alone. Jisung walked home, ready to pack his bags. 

“You’re being stupid,” Minho snapped, turning back from the front door. “Just call him back, that was the third time he’s come by this week.”

Hyunjin groaned from his spot on the couch, eyes barely visible under the mountain of blankets he had covered himself in. 

“I can’t be a homewrecker, hyung,” he said for the millionth time. “I can’t.”

“They already broke up, Hyunjin!” Seungmin yelled from the kitchen. He was, yet again, trying to create a meal that would encourage Hyunjin to get out of the apartment. Jeongin had tried takeout and ice cream, but neither of them had gotten him to budge. Minho was losing his patience. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Hyunjin said. “I can’t ask him to give up his perfect life just for us to give it a shot. It makes no sense.”

Minho let out a muffled scream. Jeongin patted his back sympathetically, offering a chocolate bar. Minho took it with a sigh. When he took a huge bite out of the side of the bar rather than break it into the section pieces, Seungmin glared at him.

“I just want you to be happy, Hyunjin,” Minho mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate. “The whole date-someone-else-plan obviously backfired. You  _ like _ him, just give it a chance!”

“He’s right,” Seungmin said. “And you know I hate agreeing with him.”

Minho stuck his tongue out at him, but there was no real bite to Seungmin’s voice and they both ended up laughing a bit. They had been a unified front the past week, fussing at Hyunjin for ignoring Jisung. They had even tried to lock him out of his own apartment, but Hyunjin just ended up crashing at Seungmin and Jeongin’s place. Jeongin had let him in after ten minutes of whining. 

It wasn’t that Hyunjin  _ wanted _ to ignore Jisung. On the contrary, every part of him ached with the distance between them, pushing him to pick up the phone or his car keys. He missed him like he missed a sense, like he was suddenly deaf or blind and had to learn to maneuver the world without a vital part of himself. He was in love with him, and he knew it.

_ That _ was why he was avoiding him. He was overcome with worry, that he was the only one falling. He knew Jisung and Ellie had broken up, had seen the redhead’s beaming selfie the evening before, Jisung laughing by her side ( _ “Your girl is back on the market,” _ the caption said.  _ “But Ji’s still my best friend so if you hurt him, I’ll fight you.” _ ). 

The week found Hyunjin sulking in his sadness. He spent hours in his room, looking over his bookcase. One night, without even realizing it, he looked down to find a book in his hands. It was Jisung’s book about museums- he had taken it again when Jisung was passed out drunk on the couch, before he had texted Changbin to check in on him. 

_ Hyunjin [2:58AM]: Changbin hyung _

_ Hyunjin [2:58AM]: can you please make sure Jisung is okay tonight, he had a lot to drink _

_ Hyunjin [2:58AM]: I set him up on the couch _

_ Changbin [3:00AM]: wait what happened? _

_ Hyunjin [3:00AM]: just please check on him every hour or so? _

_ Changbin [3:01AM]: yeah of course _

_ Changbin [3:01AM]: he’ll be fine, he’s in good hands _

_ Changbin [3:02AM]: but are you okay Hyunjin? _

He hadn’t responded, instead shoving his phone in his pocket and walking down the street. He could have taken another Uber, but something about the cold air was helping clear his head a bit.

By the time he got home it was almost 4am and he was bone tired. Changbin sent him an update on Jisung every hour for the rest of the morning, sometimes in the form of a selca with a peace sign and a passed-out Jisung in the background. Once he woke up, Hyunjin stopped responding. 

Hyunjin looked around his room, trying to find something to ground him. He saw his family photos, his posters, and Kkhami's portrait. It all felt familiar, safe. He reached over to his bookcase, pulled out one of his own books. It was the memoir of one of his favorite choreographers, a gift from Jisung after finishing finals. He opened it up again, as he had done every night, and gently touched the pressed flower inside. It was the rose Jisung had given him on Valentine's Day- although he’d said it was just a joke, Hyunjin had seen how wide his smile had been when he grabbed a vase from the kitchen, proudly displaying it in his room. 

He was in love with him, and that meant putting Jisung first. He deserved to be happy, deserved to follow his dreams and follow his plan and really fucking  _ succeed _ , and he couldn’t do that if Hyunjin was asking him to stay. He couldn’t ask Jisung to pick him, not over the life he had worked so hard for. 

So Hyunjin didn’t call him back. 

✩ ✩ ✩

**May 15**

The day of the flight, all of his friends came to see him and Ellie off. Well, everyone except-

“Where’s Hyunjin?” Ellie finally asked. 

Jisung felt a numbness in his hands, shifting weight back and forth as they stood in the airport lobby. He looked up to his other friends, standing in a semicircle in front of them. There was a flash of pity in his Seungmin’s eyes, but it was quickly replaced by forced indifference. 

“He had a bad headache this morning,” Chan said. “But he sends his best.” 

“Yeah,” Minho offered. “He really wanted to come see you guys off.”

Jisung nodded, head a bit empty as Ellie jumped back into chatting with his friends. Felix was tearing up a bit as he showered Ellie in compliments, reminding her to wear sunscreen to protect her freckles. Changbin pulled him in for a tight squeeze, and it was only later on that Jisung would realize how uncommon it was for his roommate to hug him freely. Chan and Minho joked about taking a flight to a beach town on a whim, but Jeongin insisted that they promised ice cream that afternoon so they couldn’t go on a couple’s vacation just yet.

Before Jisung knew what was happening, they were walking away and everyone was waving and then suddenly they were alone. 

They left to go through security. He stared at the photos on the wall, advertising various destinations in Seoul that tourists would visit. He wondered if the American airport would be like that, too, if he could spy the places from his plan on the walls. He remembered how Hyunjin had looked up US museums for him, back before everything blew up, how he had excitedly showed Jisung all the places he could visit in his downtime. His chest ached. 

He stared at the ground, the stark white tiles of the airport so bright in his vision that he felt a headache of his own coming on. They moved along to TSA and Jisung went through the motions of removing his shoes, putting them back on. There was a certain mindlessness to his movement, following Ellie around the airport as they made their way toward their terminal. She tried engaging him in small talk, cheering him up by pointing out other passengers so they could make up stories about where they were headed. He tried his best to contribute, but the usual spunk was missing.

They found seats in front of their gate with thirty minutes left before boarding began. They sat in silence, and although it wasn’t uncomfortable, it made Jisung feel antsy. It was such a stark contrast to how he’d felt on the many afternoons with Hyunjin, silence stretching into hours, but still feeling perfectly settled. Ellie leaned back into her chair and pulled a book from her carry-on, something about camera equipment, and Jisung decided to get a snack. If anything could get him out of his funk, maybe it was sugar.

He grabbed two bags of sour gummy worms for Ellie at one of the shops along with some headache medication for himself. He looked at the other travelers, some talking quickly and looking back and forth between their boarding passes and their watches. Others were moving at a leisurely pace, taking their time picking plane snacks and magazines. He wondered if any of them felt the heaviness that was plaguing him. 

It all hit him when he was in line at a Cinnabon, airport terminal B. It was so anticlimactic, so different from the romance films Ellie had shown him over their time together, that he almost wondered if it was really what he was feeling. He looked down to his phone, checking to see how much time he had before he needed to head back to their gate, when he got a rapid string of texts. 

_ Changbin [12:34]: Hyunjin drove us here _

_ Changbin [12:34]: he wanted to see your plane take off, but couldn’t bring himself to come inside _

_ Changbin [12:34]: we all took an Uber home _

_ Changbin [12:34]: he’s still in the airport parking lot, sixteenth row back _

_ Changbin [12:34]: I just thought you should know _

The information hit him square in the chest, knocking him out of autopilot. Suddenly, everything was clear as day. It was a feeling unlike anything else he had experienced, something he had never felt with past partners, with his friends, even with Ellie.

He was in love, and he couldn’t get on that plane. 

He left the line, the smell of butter and cinnamon growing faint as he rushed back toward Ellie. Oh my God, he was really in love. With a boy. With Hyunjin. 

He rushed back to his gate, eyes wild, pushing past travelers with their bags and neck pillows in tow. When he rounded the corner, he came to a screeching halt in front of their seats. Ellie looked up at him, surprised at his sudden reappearance. He handed her the snacks she had requested, but she noticed that his hands were otherwise empty. 

“Were they out of Cinna-Sweeties?” she asked. 

All the fire left him, then, and he stared stupidly at her, trying to figure out how to start the conversation. He noticed that he was wringing his hands, anxiety spilling out of him as he tried to wrap his head around his next move. Ellie patted the seat next to her, and he took the spot gratefully. Just as he was about to start talking, Ellie nudged him with her elbow. 

“You’re not coming, are you?” Ellie asked with a smirk. Jisung shook his head, and Ellie extended her hand. He took his passport back from her, putting it into his pocket. 

“I was kind of surprised you even made it to the airport,” she admitted. “But once I saw your face, when they said Hyunjin hadn’t come? I knew it was done.”

“He’s here,” Jisung said. “Changbin texted me. He drove them. He’s here, now.”

“I knew it!” Ellie laughed, eyes bright. “I tried to stare down Minho earlier, but he’s a hard one to crack. Chan ran away when he realized I was going to ask, but I  _ knew _ there was no way he would let you leave like that. I kept waiting for some sickening, stomach-drop feeling of rejection to wash over me, but it never came. Instead I felt, I don’t know, peaceful?” 

There were a few beats of silence before they both started laughing, the whole situation bizarre. 

“Be brave, Ji,” she continued. “ I think you guys might have what we didn’t.”

He handed her the carry-on luggage they had picked out together, tucked in the snacks he had bought into her bag. Ellie snorted, but took them gratefully. She took a quick bite of one of the gummies and adjusted the bags on her shoulder. When she pulled him in for one last hug, the call for final boarding ringing through the speakers, and when he stepped back, Jisung was surprised to find that both of them were smiling a bit.

“Be safe,” he murmured. “Have the best fucking time, El.” 

“Oh, I intend to.” Ellie winked, then turned to get in line. 

Jisung watched his ex-girlfriend board the plane, stayed until the last flash of her red hair turned the corner, and he found warm pride warming his chest. Ellie, his brilliant friend, would love her time in America. She would explore the city and film  _ everything _ and talk with people who loved the same things she did, without having to tone back her excitement. She would get to study under the incredible professors and directors and cinematographers that she had looked up to for years. She would make new friends who understood all of her complicated film jargon, and she wouldn’t have to worry about checking in with a partner every day. Ellie wasn’t the kind of person who truly thrived while tethered to someone else, so Jisung had a sneaking suspicion that she felt freer than she had in months. He certainly did. 

When the plane finally took off, he felt like he could breathe again. He pulled out his phone, looked up the airport map to find the quickest route back to the parking lot. 

He ran through the airport, turning so quickly he almost wiped out once near Terminal A, but finally he broke out of the main entrance. He scanned the area, spotted the parking lot on the left side of the building, tucked close to the front with a view of planes taking off. 

He was at the ninth row, the tenth, the eleventh. He counted the cars as he ran, a bead of sweat forming on his brow. He was close, he was so close now. 

He stopped at the sixteenth row.

Later, when the dust had settled, Jisung would realize that all of his luggage had flown across the ocean with Ellie, but that was a worry for another day. For the first time in his life, he was running completely off script, his carefully curated plans left behind at an airport in Seoul. Nothing else mattered, not right now, because sitting in this parking lot was the one thing in his life he was sure of. This time, he wasn’t letting him get away. 

He could see Hyunjin sitting on the hood of his car. He was leaning back with his eyes to the sky, long legs splayed out against the metal hood as he watched planes dip back down to land after long journeys. Jisung realized with a shock that Hyunjin was wearing an old band t-shirt, the one he always wore when he was having a rough day and wanting to keep something precious close to him. He had thrown on a pale, long sleeve plaid that he tucked into his jeans, and he kept fiddling with his phone. He looked down at his phone before glancing back at the sky, like he was looking for something. Jisung realized with a start that he was waiting for _his_ plane, to watch him leave, to let him go. 

“Hyunjin!”

The tall boy turned, head tiled in curiosity. Jisung could pinpoint the exact moment he realized who was calling him, could see the way his eyes widened with poorly hidden shock. Hyunjin glanced back and forth from Jisung to the sky, where yet another group of travelers were taking off. He was a little breathless when he finally answered.

“Oh my god, you’re here,” he said. “Why aren’t you headed to the US right now?”

Jisung opened his mouth, ready to spill his heart out, but Hyunjin beat him to it. 

“What about the plan?” he asked.

Jisung took the first step forward, slowly, as if he was scared Hyunjin might disappear if he moved too quickly. Even from feet away, he could see Hyunjin’s eyes shining as he was looking upwards.

“Fuck the plan.”

Hyunjin looked over to him, eyes wide. He sat up slowly, slid off the hood of his car with the soft  _ thump _ of shoes on concrete. He looked Jisung up and down, like he couldn’t believe he was actually there, in front of him. 

“You’re supposed to be on the plane,” he said quietly. 

There was a beat of silence, and Jisung was worried maybe he had made a mistake, maybe he was being presumptuous, maybe Hyunjin hadn’t wanted him to stay at all, but then he turned back towards him with stars in his eyes. Jisung’s heart leapt to his throat with so much affection he thought he might faint. 

“No, I’m supposed to be with you,” Jisung said.

He closed the space between them in three final steps. 

“I was always supposed to be with you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, truly! you guys are such a light for me right now, with everything going on. I appreciate your kudos / comments & even you just being here :) 
> 
> only one chapter left! stay safe & healthy, friends!


	7. glowing

**✩ ✩ ✩**

Hyunjin had dropped his friends off at the front entrance, fully intent on swallowing his pride and walking in with them, but decided at the very last second that he couldn’t go in. Felix had whined, encouraging him that he’d feel better if he got to say goodbye, but he couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car. In the end, it had been Seungmin who put his foot down and got the rest of them into the lobby on time. Minho had turned back to Hyunjin, offered to pay for an Uber to get everyone else home, and Hyunjin hoped his roommate could read the gratitude on his face. 

He ended up circling the airport a few times, trying to work up the energy to drive back home and collapse into a pint of ice cream, but somehow he found himself backing into a parking space at the side of the airport. He sat in the car for about ten minutes, but then a song came on that reminded him of Jisung and he killed the engine. 

He exited his car, climbing up to the hood and settling with his back against the windshield. He looked up to the sky, tried to figure out which terminal would have Jisung and Ellie’s plane. He hoped he’d be able to see them when they finally took off, that he’d be able to trace their path across the sky. 

“Hyunjin!”

He turned, at first thinking that Seungmin or Minho had come back for him, and was shocked to find Jisung standing in front of him. If he hadn’t seen him running around wearing that Supreme shirt a thousand times before, he might doubt it was really him. Jisung was standing in front of him looking wild and out of breath, but also strangely at peace- it’s a new look on him, and it’s a good one. 

“Oh my god, you’re here,” Hyunjin said. “Why aren’t you headed to the US right now?”

This made no sense. Had their flight been cancelled? Had TSA booted him out, found too many snacks in his luggage or an oversized shampoo bottle or something? Wait, did he miss his flight? That would be so unlike Jisung, who had everything planned down to the T. God, he must be stressed if he missed the flight, if his plan had gotten messed up.

“What about the plan?” Hyunjin asked.

Jisung took a step toward him **.** His hair was a mess and he was sweating a bit, but his eyes were shining with a ferocious hope. If Hyunjin wasn’t mistaken, he looked sure of himself. Settled. 

“Fuck the plan.”

There are certain moments in every person's life where they come to a crossroads. They may not know it at the time, but the decision they make will paint the canvas of the rest of their life, brushstroke by brushstroke. It is only years later that they are able to look back with clarity and understanding, to say “ _oh, that’s when it happened_ ”.

Hyunjin thought that this might be one of those moments.

He slid off his car hood, eyes focused on Jisung. “You’re supposed to be on the plane,” he said quietly. 

Jisung had always been such an open book. Even in the beginning, when they barely knew each other, Hyunjin felt like he could just read him so clearly. Here, under the hot sun and with the sound of planes in the background, he could practically feel Jisung’s heart racing in his own chest. He was pretty sure he knew what he wanted to say, but he was scared to hope. He held his breath. 

“No, I’m supposed to be with you,” Jisung said.

Hyunjin let out the breath as Jisung walked toward him, footsteps sure. 

“I was always supposed to be with you.” 

Jisung crashed into him, pulling him into a hug so tight Hyunjin could barely tell where one of them ended and the other began. He’s overcome with the feeling of having Jisung in his arms, the minty smell of his shampoo nestled under Hyunjin chin as the smaller boy clung to him. The gravitational pull that had been drawing them to one another for months was finally satiated, the connection of their bodies, chest-to-chest, quieting the incessant buzzing in his head. 

“Earlier this year,” Jisung said, tears in his voice. “You said you could fall in love with somebody like me. Did you mean that?”

“What?” Hyunjin pulled back, looking in his eyes. He was being serious. 

“When I asked you what your type was, that day we were listening to records in your room, you said your type was somebody like me,” Jisung rushed out. “Did you mean that? Did you mean somebody _like_ me.... or did you mean _me_?”

“God, Ji,” Hyunjin’s voice cracked. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane? What are you _doing_ here?”

“Answer the question, Hyunjin,” he pleaded. “I need to know.” 

He must have heard the break in his voice, because Hyunjin’s eyes softened then, and he lowered his arms. His hands settled on Jisung’s hips, holding him steady. He could feel the heat from the sun bearing down on their necks, rays of light reflecting off the windshields of the cars in the lot. Jisung was almost shaking, the adrenaline hitting him all at once, as he waited for Hyunjin to speak. 

“Of course it’s you,” he finally whispered. “It’s always been you.”

Jisung let out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding. Almost a year of emotion flooded him, and for a moment he was worried he might faint. Instead, he found himself saying all the things he had kept inside for months.

“I couldn’t go to America,” he rushed out. “I just couldn’t.”

“Why?” 

“I’ve realized that I can’t be responsible for the vision of me that other people have made up in their own heads. Not getting on that plane was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It goes against my plan, goes against everything I’ve stood for my entire life, goes against who I thought I was. I know that life with Ellie would be so easy, everything would just fall into place, and we would be happy enough.”

Hyunjin looked down, tried to lean back, but Jisung held his hands tightly in his own and his voice was strong. 

“But I’m _not_ who I thought I was,” Jisung continued. “And I don’t want an easy love. I don’t want anything if it’s not with you.”

“Jisung,” Hyunjin looked back up. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying you taught me that I deserve more than a mediocre life,” Jisung laughed. “I deserve more than 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and a cat when I really wanted a dog. I deserve to hang out with my friends without feeling guilty that I’m not doing something else to boost my resume. I deserve to get a master’s degree in something I love, even if I have to be a little broke for a while. I deserve to take a shot on real happiness.”

He pulled Hyunjin close, gently settling a hand against his cheek. He could hardly believe he was real, was here in flesh and bone right in front of him. He stroked the side of his cheek softly, reveling in the sheer ability to touch somebody so special. His fingertips paused at the mole under his eye.

“I’m saying that life isn’t something that I can plan out,” Jisung said. “It took me awhile, but I finally realized that. Life is unpredictable. It’s messy and complicated and sometimes things don't go according to plan but life is beautiful and I deserve to live a life that I love, with somebody that I love.”

Hyunjin’s heart stuttered. Jisung leaned in. 

“And I love you.” 

Jisung closed the space between them in one last surge of bravery, and then he was crashing into him. He felt soft lips pressing firmly into his own, and his stomach flipped at the sensation of Hyunjin’s mouth smiling against his own. It tasted like tears but it felt like home, and all at once the emptiness in his heart was filled to the brim with a satisfaction he had been chasing his whole life. 

Jisung could feel soft lips gently opening against his own and he was freaking out a little bit over the fact that _he was finally kissing Hyunjin_ , but his heart was racing in the best kind of way and he felt like, for the first time, he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Every bit of nervousness shook free from his body, leaving a quiet kind of confidence in its wake. His skin felt like it was on fire, and every time Hyunjin traced a line down his arm he felt like it was branded into him, like he would always have a mark there that said _I was here, don’t you forget me._

Jisung was a little shocked at how much more natural it felt to be leaning up into a kiss, rather than down. How safe and small he felt with Hyunjin’s arms around his waist, and how much he liked that feeling. It was like an electric current ran under his skin as he pressed kisses to his mouth, his cheeks, his throat, his fingertips. He was embarrassed to find how much he enjoyed the way Hyunjin’s grip stuttered when he kissed the base of his throat, how he lingered around the stubble on his jawline with feather-light kisses. Jisung wanted to cover every inch of him in affection, so that he would never again doubt how he felt about him. 

When they finally broke apart, they were both beaming.

There was so much Jisung didn’t know. He didn’t know if his entire life plan was garbage, or just the parts he had been pressured to put in. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to get all of his luggage back. He didn’t know if he was attracted to boys exclusively, or if Hyunjin was more of an exception. He _did_ know that he was finally with the person he wanted in his life, today and always.

“I fell in love before I even knew your birthday,” Jisung admitted. “I know now that I’ve been in love with you for months, I just didn’t recognize what I was feeling at the time. I’ve never been in love before, wasn’t sure I ever would be. But I know now. And I’m going to spend every single day trying to make up for the time that I cost us.”

“Don’t apologize,” Hyunjin said. “I love you because of who you are, and that includes being a little dumb sometimes.”

“You love me too?” Jisung asked, a little breathless. Hyunjin, damn him, actually _laughed_. 

“Of course I do,” he giggled. “I thought that part was kind of obvious.”

Jiusng leaned in, kissing him longer. He didn’t care that they were in public, didn’t care that this was his first time kissing a boy, didn’t care that he was probably getting a sunburn on his shoulders. He was kissing Hyunjin- sweet, kind, brilliant Hyunjin- and that was everything. When Jisung pulled away, he felt like he was looking right into the sun.

“Say it again,” he said when they broke apart. “Please.”

Hyunjin playfully smacked him in the chest, but his smile was bright. 

“I love you, Jisung,” Hyunjin said. “I really do.”

They ended up sitting on the hood of the car together for another hour and a half. It might not have been the most structurally sound decision, and the hood was dipping a bit in the middle with the weight of two young men on it, but they didn’t mind. Not when there was so much to say. They spent half their time talking over everything that had happened between them, navigating the harder topics with reassuring kisses, and the other half actually watching the planes soaring across the sky.

When they finally got back into the car, Hyunjin turned to Jisung and gave him a bruising kiss. 

“Where do you want to go?” he asked. “I’ll take you anywhere.”

“Let’s just drive,” Jisung said, looking out the window. “I don’t want to think about it, let’s just see where we end up.”

“No plan?” Hyunjin asked, eyes dancing. 

Jisung smiled. 

“No plan.” 

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**May 16**

Hyunjin woke up to find his new boyfriend sitting in the chair by Hyunjin’s desk, typing aggressively. The _clack clack clack_ of the keyboard finally pulled him from his hazy dream, and he sat up to stretch. Thank God he hadn’t packed it in his luggage, because Ellie wouldn’t be able to send that back for another week and he didn’t think he would’ve functioned without a laptop for that long. Jisung must have heard the sound of him cracking his back, and turned in his seat to flash him a smile. 

“Morning, Jin,” he said. 

“What are you doing up so early?” Hyunjin asked, voice gravelly with sleep. “I thought you didn’t have anything to do today, we should be cuddling.”

“Oh believe me, cuddling is on the agenda,” Jisung said, turning back to his laptop. “In fact, there are a lot of things on the agenda.”

Hyunjin yawned, letting himself fall back down into the bed. He heard Jisung get up, softly walk over to him. The bed shifted when Jisung laid down next to him, balancing his laptop on his hip as he snuggled into Hyunjin’s side. He pressed a kiss onto Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“Can I show you something?” Jisung asked.

Hyunjin blinked a few times, trying to fully wake up, but nodded. Jisung tilted his laptop toward him, turning the brightness down a bit to be softer on Hyunjin’s eyes, and gestured to a digital calendar with a long list on the side. 

“What is this?” Hyunjin asked. “Your digital planner?”

“I’ve been making a list,” Jisung said. “Any time I heard about a place, or an event, or even a restaurant that I thought you might like, I put it into the list.”

Hyunjin sat up a bit, shoving a pillow behind his head so he could relax as he looked over the document. An afternoon at the dog cafe, _Paws and Relax_. An evening showing of the newest horror movie at the drive-in, complete with snacks. A weekend trip to Nami Island, renting bikes to ride along the tree-lined pathways, taking in the blossoms. A full day at Lotte World, going on every ride they could fit in.

Everything on the list sounded like a perfect day to him, and he was honestly shocked that Jisung had even picked up on some of them- how did he know he loved visiting Namdaemun Market?

“Now that I have the whole summer free, I have places I want to take you,” Jisung admitted with a shy smile. “I’ve been working on this list since I met you.”

“It’s color coded.” Hyunjin noted with a laugh. 

“Some things never change,” Jisung shrugged. “But I thought that, every week this summer, I could take you somewhere on the list. To make up for all the time I wasted figuring myself out.”

Hyunjin’s eyes softened. He closed the laptop, turning to Jisung and taking his face in his hands. He traced the curve of his cheek, fingertips moving softly over his long eyelashes, then down to the dip of his cupid’s bow. He kissed him, softly, before pulling back to look him in the eyes. 

“You don’t need to make up for anything,” he said. “Everything happened like it was supposed to. I think we had to go through all of it to become who we are today, and in case you hadn’t noticed, I kind of love who you are today.”

Jisung blushed, but simply responded by leaning in to kiss him. He intended on getting back up, working on some more ideas for dates, but then Hyunjin rolled them over so that he was hovering over him. His smile was soft but his eyes were bright and when he leaned in, Jisung decided that the list could wait. 

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**June 17**

The sun was peeking through the windows of Jisung and Changbin’s apartment as Hyunjin thumbed through a pile of books. The bookshelf was a mess; Jisung insisted that he needed to go through it and donate the old ones, but Hyunjin kept picking up different books and commenting on them and then Jisung would want to keep them again. At this rate, they probably wouldn’t be donating very many. 

“I’ve read nearly every book on your bookshelf in the time I’ve known you,” Hyunjin said. He lifted one up to show Jisung. “I think I’ve read this museum curation book three times.”

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

Hyunjin looked up from the book to find Jisung sitting on the couch with his legs crossed, looking impossibly small. When he finally made eye contact, he was surprised to find that Jisung looked a little shy. 

“What’s up, Ji?” 

Hyunjin crossed his room, sitting down on the cushion next to him. He took one of Jisung’s hands in his own, tracing the lines of his palm. He knew that always helped him settle a bit. 

“I may have plans for the next few Sundays.” Jisung admitted.

Hyunjin tried to think back to the calendar Jisung had shared with him, racking his brain to try and remember if there had been any recurring meetings there. Nothing was coming to mind. 

“What plans?” Hyunjin asked, a little confused. “And how are you going to study for the Praxis exam if you’re busy every weekend, I thought Sundays were going to be for studying?”

“I’m not going to take the Praxis anymore,” Jisung let out a big breath, settling into his boyfriend’s arms. “I’ve decided not to go into the master’s for teaching.”

Hyunjin couldn’t help it when his mouth dropped open. Jisung laughed, giving him a quick kiss. Jisung’s smile crept through his shyness, then, and he leaned forward like he was sharing a big secret. 

“I actually applied to the museum curation program,” he said. “And I got _in_.”

Hyunjin beamed, pulling him into a tight hug. “Oh my god, Ji!” he yelled. “That’s amazing!”

He pulled back to find Jisung laughing. “I called my parents last week and told them. I’m not sure what they were more shocked by- me changing _The Plan_ , or me telling them that I’m in love with a boy, but either way they came around in the end. I think they could tell how serious I was about it, and about you.”

Hyunjin’s heart swelled at how casually Jisung spoke, how he had uprooted his entire life plans to be with him. Jisung was brave, in a quiet way that not many people tended to recognize. He was dedicated and passionate and unafraid of hard work, and Hyunjin thanked whatever kind act he’d done in a past life to get to be with someone like him. 

“I’m really proud of you,” he said. 

Jisung smiled at him, big cheeks puffed out, and Hyunjin was struck with the familiar urge to kiss him. He had felt that so many times over the past year, had always held it in. This time, though, this time he didn’t have to stop himself. So he ran his thumb along Jisung’s bottom lip and leaned in.  
  


**✩ ✩ ✩**

**July 4**

“It’s so weird-” Hyunjin said. 

“Yes, you are weird,” Jisung said with a nod. Hyunjin smacked him.

“Oh, shush. I just mean, think about how weird it is that we’re here right now. If you had gone on the trip, you’d be in the middle of a huge celebration in America right now.”

Jisung looked around his apartment. Hyunjin’s stack of books was on the coffee table and Cera was curled up on his chest under a small towel, like a blanket tucking her in. Bellies full of takeout, they had spent all evening rewatching _Sword Art Online_ , giggling at the voices in the dubbed version. It was true, though- he was supposed to be at some huge block party right now. Instead he was curled up on the couch, cuddling with his boyfriend after a full day of curation training. 

“I like this better,” he finally said. “I’m doing what I love, and I’m with someone I love. I’ll take this over America any day.”

Hyunjin leaned down to kiss him, long and sweet. 

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**August 12**

“How do you feel about co-parenting?”

Hyunjin spit out his drink, sitting up on his couch in a flash. He whipped his head around to find his boyfriend standing in front of Hyunjin’s room with his hands on his hips, head tilted thoughtfully. He was still wearing his shirt from the museum, even though his internship shift ended hours ago. Even after the curation course ended, he had kept showing up until they finally gave in to his incessant requests, setting him up with an internship in the curation department. He pretended it was no big deal, but Hyunjin had heard him happy-crying in the shower the night he signed the paperwork. 

“ _What_?” 

“Co-parenting,” Jisung said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I want you to be lizard dads with me. Cera loves you and you feed her half the time anyways. Together we could raise her to be the cutest leopard gecko in all of Korea.”

Hyunjin snorted, but his chest was warm. Jisung made his way over to the couch, moving a few of Minho’s shoes out of his way before settling down next to Hyunjin. 

“You’d trust me with Cera?” he asked. 

“Of course,” Jisung said. “I’d trust you with anything,”

He did that sometimes, Hyunjin had come to notice, saying something so kind and vulnerable in such a nonchalant way that Hyunjin sometimes didn’t know how to respond. Over time he had gotten more used to it, but it still gave him a small fluttering of butterflies that reminded him all of the bitterness had been so very worth having something this sweet.

“I’d love to,” he said. “When you get home, tell Cera she’s got two gay dads now.”

“We should throw her a party,” Jisung said. “To celebrate her family being complete.”

Hyunjin almost laughed, but he knew Jisung was being serious. He simply rolled his eyes and smacked Jisung’s butt as he got up and walked toward the kitchen, putting another packet of popcorn in the microwave before the next episode of the drama they were watching began. 

But if they had their friends come over to Jisung and Changbin’s apartment later that week for drinks and a marathon of _Land Before Time_ , well, it was nobody’s business. 

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**August 28th**

“Out of the way fives, a ten is arriving!”

“Felix, _please-_ ”

Felix waved his hand, shutting down any complaints from his two friends. Ellie’s plane was due to arrive soon, and Felix had spent an inordinate amount of time working on a poster for them all to hold at the pickup location. It was a crude drawing of Ellie with a crown on her head with the words “ _Welcome Home, Queen_!” written in glitter paint underneath. Jisung secretly loved it.

Hyunjin had offered to drive her back to campus and Jisung planned on getting her a welcome-home bouquet, but what he ended up buying at the nursery was a bright green cactus. She had spent half of their Zoom calls raving about the cacti and succulents that were scattered in the windows of the AirBnB the film program students were staying at. He had a feeling she’d prefer the prickly friend over some flowers. 

The three boys waited with their sign held high, and when she finally turned the corner they heard her before they saw her. 

“My _boys_!” she yelled so loudly that the woman next to her flinched. 

She barrelled into them, half hug and half linebacker. She had two more bags than she had left with, and Jisung laughed when he realized that one of them was filled only with souvenirs. Felix was fawning over his freckled twin as they headed back to the car, Ellie squealing about the poster and the cactus and how glad she was to be back in Korea.

The whole group got together for dinner, a few of Ellie’s friends joining them at her favorite noodle place. After three months away, she was over the moon about having some authentic Korean food again. Over an alarming amount of jajangmyeon, she shared stories from her time abroad. She showed them pictures and raved about one short film she got to be a part of (“ _If you look in the credits, I’m listed there as one of the volunteers! I’m officially credited!_ ”). 

The boys all did their best to update her with all they had done over the summer, but nothing was quite as comprehensive as the PowerPoint presentation Jisung had made, complete with photos and dates of what each of them had been up to. Ellie’s friends laughed, but her roommate insisted that the idea was brilliant, so they all made plans to meet up at the end of the week with their “Catch-Up-Presentations”.

Ellie passed out souvenirs at the end of the night. Felix nearly cried when she gave him a gaming controller that had only been released in the US so far. He held it over his head like Simba in _The Lion King_ , waving it so wildly that the cord smacked Chan in the face. Hyunjin’s eyes blew wide when he opened his gift, an “ _I <3 NY _” shirt. Ellie had given it to him with a wink, saying, “Ji told me that you collect them.”

“It’s perfect!” he yelled, smiling wide as he showed off his new shirt. He turned back to Ellie, gripping the shirt to his chest like a lifeline. “Thank you so much Ellie, seriously.”

“Only for my favorite ex-boyfriend-in-law!” she exclaimed, pinching one of his cheeks with a grin. 

She returned to her bag of gifts- Chan, Minho, and Jeongin had all gotten little packages of sweets that they had seen on an American TV show and subsequently texted Ellie about too many times to be subtle. Changbin and Seungmin both whooped loudly when Ellie handed them each a keychain they’d requested, tiny details etched into the sides of wooden models of the states. 

Finally, Ellie turned to Jisung. Her eyes were soft, and she pulled a thick book out of her bag. She slid it across the table, and when he saw the title his eyes lit up. 

“A guide to the Smithsonian?” he asked. “Oh my God, how did you know?”

“Hyunjin texted me,” she admitted. “We were filming nearby, and he said it would be perfect for you.”

“Thank you so much, El, I love it.”

They finished off the evening at Ellie’s apartment, all squeezing into her living room to watch a screening of one of the films she had gotten to work on and take shots of soju every time someone fell asleep. Now that she was back and laughing with all of them as she excitedly pointed out different scenes (“ _I got to use the black-and-white clapperboard here!_ ”), Jisung really felt they were all home.

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**September 9**

“You know, tomorrow will be an entire year since I met you.”

“You remember the exact date?” Hyunjin pretended to swoon. “What a _romantic_!”

“Shut up,” Jisung laughed. He lifted the old agenda in his hands, recently plucked from the bottom of his bookshelf. “I was looking over my planner from last year. I tried to write down one thing that made me happy, or that I was grateful for, like every day.”

“And you put me?”

“Well, kinda.”

That got Hyunjin’s attention. He hopped up from Jisung’s bed, hurrying over to the desk chair to peer over his boyfriend’s shoulder. “What did you write that day?”

“No, it’s embarrassing.” 

“Jisung, I’ve seen you drunk, high, naked,” Hyunjin laughed. “Remember that time you fell asleep at the bar because you stayed up all night watching Nat Geo? You smashed your face into the nachos. If I’ve seen that and still love you, you never have to be embarrassed around me.” 

Jisung blushed, but he was smiling. “Fine,” he said. “Look for yourself.”

Hyunjin scanned the page, ignoring line after line of meetings and small joys from each day, to find the date he was looking for. 

_September 10: today I felt a spark for the first time_

“Oh, I remember that!” Hyunjin said. “I was wearing fuzzy socks that night, I shocked you.”

Jisung’s eyes softened. “I wasn’t talking about the static.” 

Hyunjin smiled, in that small way that he didn’t usually let other people see. He dragged Jisung out of the chair back to the bed and pulled him in close so that he was comfortably settled against his chest. 

“Are you ready for this year?” Jisung asked. “I’m hoping it’s easier on you, but my schedule is kind of insane. Changbin offered to give me the bigger room, but I kept the one closer to the bathroom so I don’t wake him up every morning running to the shower.”

“My schedule isn’t too bad,” Hyunjin shrugged. “Minho-hyung is almost always at Chan’s, so we’ll have full reign of the apartment most nights.”

Jisung wiggled his eyebrows, causing Hyunjin to laugh and playfully shove him. 

“Not like that!” he said. “Well, okay, a _little_ like that. But I mean, you can stay over any time. I know you have some early classes, and my building is closer to campus.”

“When are the hyungs getting back from their vacation again?” 

“Next week, I think,” Hyunjin mused. “Chan-hyung sent me a picture of Minho-hyung drunk at the cruise-bar, apparently he won some dance contest on the boat.”

“Of course he did,” Jisung snorted. “Well, I’ll be glad when they’re back. It’s felt incomplete without them.”

“Seungmin would never admit it, but he’s missed having Minho downstairs to yell at for playing music too loud.”

“Felix has done a pretty good job at distracting him,” Jisung suggested. 

“Enough about our sweet peasant friends,” Hyunjin said with a wave of his hand. “Tomorrow, we have plans.”

“Oh, so you’re the one making plans now?” Jisung laughed. 

“Trust me, I think you’ll like this one.”

**✩ ✩ ✩**

**September 10. again.**

Hyunjin tightened the blindfold around Jisung’s eyes, making sure for a third time that he couldn’t see through the fabric. They had been driving for over an hour, and although Jisung had complained about having to wear the blindfold in the car, he couldn’t help but feel a little excited when he finally got out of the car and stretched his legs. He tried to feel around to figure out where his boyfriend had taken him, but his hands grabbed only air. 

The dress code hadn’t helped either- he had only told him to “dress cute but comfy”, and seemed pleased enough with his choice of a button down and nice jeans. Hyunjin tried to whistle at him appreciatively- _tried_ , because but no matter how hard he practiced, he had never quite figured out how to whistle so it came out as more of a sputtering. Jisung appreciated it nonetheless. 

They took a few more steps before Hyunjin slowed to a stop, pulling the blindfold down. 

There, sitting in all its glory, was the space museum. 

“I know it looks like it’s closed, but they just don’t turn on the exterior lights after six because they don’t want to interfere with people trying to see the stars,” Hyunjin explained. “I figured we could explore the exhibits for a few hours, and then by the time it’s nice and dark we could stargaze at the side section. I think they even have some telescopes”

Jisung loudly whooped and started running toward the museum entrance. This was one that had been on his list for the entire summer, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to visit it yet. Hyunjin looked at him fondly as he flitted from exhibit to exhibit, talking about curation methods that he didn't quite understand. 

  
It was so much like that first time, months ago, when Hyunjin had taken him to the museum to lift his mood. It was back before he had admitted to himself what Hyunjin meant to him. Now, though, they held hands with no reservation as they explored the museum, stealing a kiss or two when the room was otherwise empty. Jisung looked at the clock and realized that it was a year ago, almost down to the hour, that Hyunjin had walked into Chan and Felix’s apartment and changed his life forever. He’d changed it for the better.

  
Once Jisung had his fill of space history and the science behind spacecrafts, Hyunjin led him to the side exit. There was a small concrete path leading up to the top of a hill, and Hyunjin started walking toward it. The sky was an inky black, a scattering of stars lighting the path as they walked. When they reached the top, he reached into his tote and pulled out an old afghan blanket, setting it onto the grass so they could lay down. 

  
Jisung pulled an app up on his phone to help them identify the different constellations, and they spent most of the evening trying to find them. Hyunjin pointed out Orion’s Belt, making a bad joke about what brand it would have been that made Jisung laugh so hard a nearby couple scooted further away. They took advantage of the extra space, stretching out on the blanket so that they were curled against each other, eyes to the sky. 

“A very cute boy once told me,” he commented. “That the stars only glow after they explode,”

“He sounds smart.”

“Oh, he was,” Jisung laughed. “And he was right. About a lot of things.”

Hyunjin smiled, looking up at the stars. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jisung said. “And he glowed, too.” 

Hyunjin blushed, but looked down at him with a smile. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Hyunjin giggled, like it was the first time Jisung had said it instead of the hundredth. He was like that, though, always so expressive. He reminded Jisung of those summer rain storms- thick humidity in the air and the sticky heat, the dark grey collecting in the bellies of the clouds. The striking crash of the first lighting strike, the thunder rumbling so deeply you could feel it in your bones. He was the feeling of rain sprinkling on warm skin, of leaning your head back and your hair growing wet and sticking to your forehead. Hyunjin was spinning in the street, jumping in puddles, being unafraid of stains or future colds. He was aloe on a sunburn, a kiss on a scrape, the feeling of safety after feeling lost for so long. He was so ferociously and irrevocably _good_. 

Jisung leaned up to press a kiss into the hollow of Hyunjin’s throat before settling back into his side, both looking up at the sky to pick out their favorite collection of stars. Hyunjin pulled his boyfriend close to his chest, squeezing him tight, and settled down against the grass. It felt like it was only the beginning.

They spent the rest of the night like that, revelling in the tiny galaxy they had built together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I can't believe it's over!! 
> 
> I just wanted to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. Between COVID, the deaths of two family members, and my dad's chemo, these past few months have been very painful for me. So supernova has been my little escape, a way to create story in a world with a little more love and a happy ending. If you ever want to see something specific from me, or if there's something you think I should know, feel free to reach out on twitter- I'm embarrassingly always online <3 
> 
> I know I'm just some faceless person on the internet, but I hope you know how much your comments and kudos and even you just reading... it's been such a bright spot for me in a really dark time. 
> 
> I hope each of you are safe and healthy, and that supernova could have brought you even a little bit of joy :)
> 
> love always,  
> MK

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading supernova!  
> the playlist for this fic is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6yKqxhdVdD6IZWSl1l93fy?si=KGRpsdniQ4KGb-yvAOeeug), and the visuals for the fic can be found [here](https://twitter.com/this_is_mk_/status/1275828852737138690?s=20) !
> 
> if you have the time, comments & kudos give me so much joy! & if you'd like to help contribute to my caffeine-fueled writing sessions, you can do so [here ♥](https://ko-fi.com/thisismk)  
> all the best,  
> MK


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